When You Think, “He Should Just Know”

Yeah, me too. 

I’ll never forget the experience of my first birthday while married to my husband.

When He Should “Just Know”

My expectations were high. I came from a family that held birthdays in high regard. Your birthday was your day. Cake, presents, special treatment…the whole nine yards.

So when I woke up that morning, I was excited. What kind of special notes did my husband leave me around the house? What kind of breakfast did he have planned? What gifts would he surprise me with that day?

As I left my bedroom with bright-eyed optimism about my special day, my heart sank. I walked through the kitchen, dining room and bathroom and saw nothing. No note, no gift, no breakfast. My husband left early for work and there were no signs of birthday celebration around the house for me.

I felt lonely, forgotten, and disappointed.

His lack of preparation felt like apathy and abandonment to me.

When he came home from work he asked how I wanted to celebrate, but the damage was already done. I shut down emotionally because my day hadn’t started how I expected.

Handling Disappointment

Have you ever experienced the pain of unmet expectations in your marriage? If you answered no, you probably got married yesterday. It happens often, it’s normal, and it’s okay. 

Disappointment is a natural part of relationships. What we do with our disappointment determines the future health of those relationships.

I tried to swallow my disappointment and pretend it wasn’t there. But on the inside I was telling myself, “He should just know that birthdays are special. If he cared about me more, he would have planned a special evening himself. Instead, he’s putting all the decision-making responsibility on me.”

In our disappointment, it’s easy to blame the other person for missing the mark rather than asking ourselves, “Did I make my expectations known?”

I wanted to wake up to a birthday card and a special treat. I wanted my husband to choose a restaurant and make reservations.

But the week before when he asked what I wanted, I didn’t tell him that. I thought it would take the romance out of it. I wanted to see what he would come up with. I didn’t want to prompt him.

Well, turns out, the man needed some prompting.

Setting Expectations

See, my husband grew up with a totally different view of special occasions. Birthdays weren’t national holidays to their family—they were simply a day to order takeout and eat some cake. 

As unromantic as it felt to cry about a disappointing birthday and then lay out specific expectations for next year, it was really helpful for my husband. 

Our husbands do well with clear and attainable expectations. It empowers them to know they can accomplish a task that will serve their wife and family.

Next time you’re disappointed that your husband can’t read your mind about what you need, remember this: that’s not his job, it’s God’s. 

“Before a word is on my tongue you, LORD, know it completely.” (Psalm 139:4)

Giving it to God

The Lord knows the desires of your heart. He knows exactly what you want and what you need. It is right and good to expect God to know everything without you needing to say a word.

It is not helpful to expect your husband to know your thoughts if you have not voiced them.

Maybe you wish your husband would pay more attention to your emotions when you’re sad or overwhelmed. 

Maybe you wish your husband would connect with you when he gets home rather than going straight to the TV or a project.

Maybe you wish your husband would plan a family fun day so it doesn’t feel like it always falls on your shoulders.

What You Can Do

If you find yourself wishing for something from him but continually feeling disappointed, here’s step one: stop wishing and start asking.

You’re not a nag for sharing your desires with your husband. 

Asking becomes nagging when you’ve sat in your disappointment so long that your words and attitude are resentful. But the sooner you communicate your desires clearly and give him an attainable goal, it’s less likely you’ll be bitter.

Most men I know want to take care of their wives. They become frustrated only when the task feels arbitrary and impossible.

Let’s stop telling ourselves, “He should just know.” That’s God’s job.

Instead, set your husband up for success by kindly sharing your desires and graciously communicating your disappointments.

Wife Step: Is there something you wish your husband would do right now? First, ask yourself, “Have I clearly communicated my expectations?” Take responsibility for communicating with him in a gracious and helpful way.​

Bailey Richardson is the wife of a Paul Bunyan look-a-like, the mama of a growing little family, and a woman on the wild adventure of pursuing Jesus. She lives in a small lake town in Minnesota where her family is highly involved in their local church and Young Life, a global non-profit youth ministry. A self-proclaimed “recovering perfectionist,” Bailey loves writing for and connecting with women who want to more deeply experience the grace, freedom, and abundance that comes from following Jesus. You can find her at baileymrichardson.com or on Instagram @baileymrichardson.