What the Hollis Divorce Teaches Us About Marriage Mentors

It’s unsettling to feel upset about someone’s divorce that you don’t know, and yet so many felt like this. People had trusted them as marriage advisors and mentors, listening to their marriage podcast and paying lots of money for their marriage conferences. The Hollises sold themselves to the public as marriage mentors, but ultimately couldn’t fulfill that role. 

The Hollis divorce is a perfect reminder for us to think about who we have as our marriage mentors. It is a time to think about what we can look for in a marriage mentor, finding mentors, or whether you have any in real life at all.

Who Are Your Real-Life Marriage Mentors?

The main thing we can take away from the Hollis divorce is that we need to have in-real-life marriage mentors. In real life, we can see how people live their lives, not the persona they project from a screen or stage. In real life, we can see their flaws, which can’t be hidden or curated. Real-life relationships can speak into our lives to us as individuals, not as an audience.

As married couples, mentors can see our flaws, can see our specific needs and can serve us in our real lives. We need people in our lives where we can do the same in return.

What Can We Look for in A Marriage Mentor?

The characteristics we look for in marriage mentors are important. The Hollises claim Christ, but their actions publicly do not often point people to Him, but instead to themselves. I do not want to assume their reason for divorce, but their words hint towards it being because the marriage “didn’t work out” and “ran its course.”

We can look for marriage mentors who proclaim a biblical view of marriage. But more importantly, we need to see them living out that proclamation in their daily lives. We should see people who are committed to each other even when marriage feels challenging. People who are committed to serving each other and the people around them without return or praise. Married couples who practice repentance and ask for forgiveness from each other and those around them. Most importantly, people who lay themselves down for the other, and not use each other for gain.

How Do We Find Marriage Mentors?

Many churches provide marriage mentors and it’s as easy as calling your church to find out how to connect with one.

My husband and I have never had “official” mentors. We have two couples in our lives who I consider to be mentors, but they developed out of friendship and not out of an obligation to  mentoring. 

If you are looking for a marriage mentor, I suggest looking for a couple where your husband would enjoy spending time with the husband, and you can see yourself enjoying time with the wife. Then initiate get togethers or dinners, and try to start a friendship. Ask them about questions you have in your life or your marriage. If it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, or it feels one-sided, move on. Remember that it can take a while to find mentors. 

It’s great to learn about marriage from people you don’t know (like you’re doing right now!), but the best thing you can do for your marriage is to find mentors and friends who proclaim and live a biblical view of marriage and who serve each other and others like Christ.

Wife Step: Talk with your husband this week about your in real-life marriage mentors, and whether those you may have are leading you biblically. Agree on a plan to move forward and find a mentor couple.

Meagan Elling is a wife of 7 years to Reed, mama to two little girls, writer, and house renovator. She is a SAHM {I’ll let you decide if you want this spelled out or not} in Duluth, MN with a writing degree she thought would go to waste. She is passionate about encouraging women, ministry, traveling, reading 5 books at once, and Texas Roadhouse bread. Meagan writes at www.meaganelling.com and on Instagram @meaganelling.