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What Stage of Marriage Are You In? – Michelle Barringer

November 30, 2020

What Stage of Marriage Are You In?


My husband and I separated three times: twice in our twentieth year of marriage and once six years later. That part of our journey was thorny, hard to walk through, and almost caused us to join the divorce stats.

 

I always believed during the worst that Jesus intended to restore us. I believed Jesus wanted to redeem us and show our children He really does transform people and relationships. Jesus has been faithful.

 

Anniversary Testimony

 

We recently celebrated our 34th wedding anniversary. I asked my husband if he ever thought we’d get this far. He replied, “I always thought we would.”

 

This is testimony to God’s redeeming power because we were on the brink of divorce in 2012. In fact, it was my husband who repeatedly threatened divorce. It was my husband who sat in a lawyer’s office inquiring about divorce.

 

Jesus had different plans. He brought us to Retrouvaille and began teaching us how to restore our marriage. 

 

Retrouvaille is a French word that means rediscovery. It’s also the name of a marital program for couples on the brink of divorce. Through this program, we began rediscovering us. 

 

Every marital relationship travels through stages of marriage. There’s no avoiding the different stages; however, there’s a choice to give up and miss the awakening. I encourage you to not give up.

 

The Four Stages of Marriage (according to Retrouvaille)

 

Stage 1:  Romance

 

Remember his first glance at you? Remember how you felt? Did you feel tingly and smiley? 

 

I remember waking up thinking about him and planning my whole day around when I would see him. An affectionate kiss in the dark on a hill under a pine tree is a favorite romantic memory.

 

Looking into his eyes, snuggling, and holding hands all consumed our time together. We were playful, happy, and affectionate. We’d eat together and go on walks together. We were together every single day and loved it.

 

This is romance. The never-ending feeling of being happy and affectionate. He couldn’t do anything wrong. He was perfect.

 

Stage 2:  Disillusionment

 

Expectations shatter in the disillusionment stage. Reality replaces romance. Values and ideals clash.

 

Differences that once attracted us to one another became a source of pain. Differences are all we could see. Annoyance with one another set in.

 

You start to question if you made the right decision. Did we ever value the same things? He’s not perfect after all.

 

Stage 3:  Misery

 

The misery stage is filled with thorns; it’s the most difficult stage in marriage. Many couples don’t come out of this stage together. They end up parting ways. 

 

The Bible clearly says that “those who marry will face many troubles in this life” (1 Corinthians 7:28, NIV). The misery stage is filled with troubles. It reveals the hurts, letdowns, gaps and unresolved issues. There’s so much despair and anger you wonder if you’ll survive. 

 

This is the stage we separated and almost divorced. Years of misery didn’t just hurt us; it hurt our children also.

 

In the romance stage I felt lost without him. In the misery stage, I felt lost with him. 

 

Stage 4:  Awakening 

 

Waking up love and joy again in the marital relationship is worth the effort. Accepting we are not perfect is a big step. Being willing again to work to save the marriage–to be better communicators, lovers, and friends–was life changing.

 

Marriage requires work. When we’re married, we’re not entitled to the fruit of a great marriage without working for it. If we’re married, we will need to work for the joy of marriage. 

 

Rediscovering how to value and appreciate one another again is hard work. Learning to listen, understand, and graciously talk required help from others. Recognizing we can’t change each other, and instead accepting one another for who we are is key to the awakening stage. 

 

We recognized our differences are not weapons of destruction, but rather ways that make us stronger together.

 

Awakening love and joy is powerful. Love never fails. Joy always comes in the morning.

 

Wife Step:

 

No matter what stage we’re in, the joy set before us is worth the journey.

 

What stage of marriage are you currently in?

 

If you’re in the:

 

  • Romance Stage, treasure every moment. Hold on to the memories. Write them down. You’ll need them later as an anchor of hope.
  • Disillusionment Stage, tell a friend. Focus on your relationship with Jesus and where you need to change.
  • Misery Stage, don’t give up. Get help from others. I recommend Retrouvaille if you’re on the brink of divorce. The tools they provide helped save my marriage.
  • Awakening Stage, Yay! Welcome back to romance wrapped in reality. Consider helping other women who need your encouragement. And go kiss your husband right now.

Michelle Barringer is a writer, speaker, blogger, Gallup-certified Strengths Coach, and a full-time learning and development consultant. She has a master’s degree in communication. Michelle is currently writing her first book in the wee hours of the morning. She is NOT a morning person. 

 

She’s journeyed with Jesus for a long time getting to know Him better, and has gotten to know herself better in the process. Michelle is an encourager and cheerleader. She only has one goal and mission in life: to live the purpose of God and encourage you to do the same. Her biggest passion is to encourage hearts in faith, purpose, and perseverance.

 

You can join Michelle on social media @michellerbarringer on Instagram and Facebook and her website www.michellebarringer.com where she writes about faith, purpose, and perseverance sharing true stories and biblical insight.

1 Comment

  1. Ella

    This article and its stages of marriage were so helpful. It helped me validate exactly what I’m going through in my marriage (in the Misery stage). We’re in therapy and it’s very slow work. Your post gave me hope to continue the slow, hard work of getting to Awakening… Thank you!

    Reply

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