Becoming a More Emotionally Vulnerable Wife

Someone passes by, asks how we’re doing, and we simply say—“fine”—and keep on moving. It’s easy for us to think that no one wants to hear how we’re really feeling, especially when we’re buried under discouragement or stress.

However, this safe approach only creates damage and distance in marriage. 

Openness Versus Vulnerability

We often confuse openness with vulnerability, and the difference matters because it affects intimacy. Openly sharing your frustrations or how you’re feeling can be helpful. Yet, is this truly being vulnerable, or simply open?

The definition of vulnerable is: “Susceptible to physical or emotional injury; susceptible to attack; open to censure or criticism.” Vulnerability is not simply sharing what we think and feel on some surface or safe level. It involves a deep emotional “undressing” before our mates—taking personal risk in the face of rejection.

Consider this: being open about your feelings is like opening your door and greeting your spouse. In contrast: being vulnerable is like opening that same door, asking your husband to come in, look around, and then letting him rearrange the furniture or tear out some walls. Vulnerability is the sharing of your soul without control of the outcome.

While being open can be helpful, being emotionally vulnerable builds intimacy in marriage. 

5 Steps to Being Emotionally Vulnerable with Your Husband

1. Become more aware of your own feelings and the fear connected to those feelings. Sometimes we are moving so fast as wives and moms—dealing with everyone else’s hurts and emotions—that we don’t stop to recognize our own. If we do that long enough, we lose the ability to recognize what we are feeling. 

Instead, the next time you feel tension rising, stop for a brief moment to consider what you might be feeling, and why. Identifying you are feeling overwhelmed is helpful, but recognizing you are feeling overwhelmed because you are behind in work and fear you may have to stay up late and lose sleep is more helpful. Put a name to it—label the feeling and name the fear connected with it.. The more specific you are, the better. 

Sharing the fears behind your emotions is where vulnerability is born, because it sheds light on insecurities and soul-level worries.

2. Find courage from God to share. It’s always a good idea to pray for God to increase your willingness to be vulnerable with your husband. God loves to answer a prayer like this and will infuse your heart with His power to graciously meet the challenge of vulnerability. Again, sharing honest facts is one thing, but courageously opening your heart is another. Ask God to give you the courage to share vulnerably. 
3. Be respectful as you share with your husband. In order to ensure a respectful tone, timing is crucial. Don’t launch in with a laundry list of feelings you’ve bottled up for weeks, months or even years. Conversely, don’t let a slowed response on your part scare you away from ever pulling your man aside to talk. Respect your husband’s response to try to fix what you share or even disregard it. The goal is for you to vulnerably share so that it becomes more natural and consistent over time. Show grace in the transition.
4. Humbly open yourself up to examination by what you share. Being vulnerable involves humbly revealing parts of yourself that might be viewed by your husband as weak and inferior, as well as asking for his feedback. Avoid the temptation to be defensive, instead practicing a welcoming, humble heart posture of appreciation for his input.
5. Gently express your feelings about an issue in your marriage. Vulnerability avoids self-protective measures like attacking your husband with what you feel about him. A gentle approach involves taking responsibility for your feelings, while also providing clarity about your husband’s offending behavior. Emotional vulnerability is gentle, not forceful.

Instead of saying something like, “You make me feel . . .” Say something like, “I feel rejected by you when you respond harshly to my questions for more information. I want to feel close to you, but this response makes me feel far from you, which makes me feel insecure about our marriage. Can we try again?” 

See the difference?

Vulnerability, not just openness, can take your marriage to a new, deeper and more rewarding level. I hope you’ll take the plunge!

Wife Step: Begin to put one or more of these steps into action and patiently wait for vulnerability to open up your husband’s heart to you in return.​

Beth Steffaniak is an author, marriage blogger, life-coach, pastor’s wife, empty nester and proud grandma. She resides with her husband in southern Illinois, where they enjoy leading marriage workshops together, as well as investing in helping people grow closer to Christ, each other and the disconnected. You can find more of her writing at www.messymarriage.com.