Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anger

A Story About Anger

We bought a new trailer to camp in. This was part of my concession to my husband to do more of the things that he likes to do, as he prepares to retire. I had drawn a firm line that I wouldn’t camp in a tent because I think I have earned that right by officially becoming a senior citizen in a few months.

Another one of my suggestions was that we might as well make our first trip to a campground near our grandkids so we can take them with us. He readily agreed to that—and more unbeknownst to me.

He also invited his almost ninety-three-year old dad. Let’s just say that I had a small reaction to that one.

I don’t mind being around his dad—in a house. But seriously, camping with trails and a lake in a small trailer with his dad using a walker? I couldn’t see it and wasn’t being gracious about the adaptations that would have to be made.

Well, he had a reaction to me. After I said, “I’m not going,” he said, “Good, I figured you’d ruin it somehow. Forget it.”

That is what you would call a fight.

I used to be unable to wait until things cooled down to discuss a problem. And my husband wasn’t one who cooled down quickly, so if I pushed it, it meant a bigger fight and guaranteed no resolve or understanding.

I said nothing more for that night.

Should You Let the Sun Go Down on Your Anger?

Now this seems rather unscriptural if you are familiar with the verse in Ephesians 4:26-27 (NIV) which says, “‘In your anger do not sin’: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”  

That verse seems to suggest that you should settle your disagreements before going to bed or you’ll be sinning. I have come to understand it a little differently.

The next day, still feeling a little resentful, we went to the beach for a few hours. When things were relaxed, I said, “I wasn’t planning a trip sitting around the campground. I was hoping we could hike and walk to the lake. I have concerns about your dad not being able to do that and you not being comfortable leaving him alone at the trailer.”

Trust me. This was not what I would have said the night before.

He responded with, “He might not want to go when he knows we are going to do those things. I will talk to him and let him know.”

Trust me. This was not something I would have heard from him the night before.  

Consider Your Anger When the Sun Goes Down

I have learned that it is better to talk about stressful and emotional things when both people are calm. And for many of us, that means taking time to calm down and time to reflect on the situation. Sleeping on it may be exactly what it takes to get you there.

We don’t want to avoid talking about things when it means they will get bigger—that is what gives Satan a foothold. But we do want to avoid talking about things for a time when it means they will get smaller. It takes wisdom and practice to know which is which. Pray and ask God to give you discernment about when to speak up and when to remain silent. 

Wife Step: Will you commit to not talking about things until you and your husband have calmed down?

If that is hard for you, think about why. (For me, it was feeling anxious about my husband being mad at me. I felt like I had to talk him out of it. Now, I know I am not the one to change those feelings. He is.)

Ask God to give you wisdom to know when to speak up and when to wait until things have calmed down.

Karla Downing, the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com, offers Christian marriage help and Christian relationship help as a speaker, author, counselor, and Bible study teacher. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and then found herself struggling with Christian codependency in her own difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles, which she now teaches to others. She also trains counselors, pastors, women’s ministry leaders, church leaders, small-group leaders, non-profit ministry leaders, and individuals to minister to Christians in difficult relationships. Karla’s passion is to see individuals, marriages, and families set free from the chains of dysfunction, misunderstanding, and emotional pain through a correct understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships.

Karla Downing is the author of the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association 2004 Silver Medallion Award winner, 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages. Her second book, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, applies the same principles to all family members. Her third book, The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image, offers a unique and life-changing approach to looking at self-image. 

She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Karla also holds a Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts in Communicative Disorders from California State University, Fullerton. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Karla was also the director of Friends in Recovery, a Christ-based, Twelve-Step recovery program.

Karla lives in Southern California. She has been married for over thirty years and has three adult daughters.

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