Emotionally Exhausted in Marriage
The days were cold and silent after an argument my husband and I had. This time period following an unresolved argument always takes my heart and mind to a dark place of questioning his love for me.
I always feel like a little girl wondering where I stand—except this is my marriage, not puppy love. And it’s emotionally exhausting.
So when our marriage counselor gave us some powerful notes from pastor and author Jimmy Evans on the foundational laws in marriage and love, it shifted my perspective as well as my husband’s.
Evans notes four misconceptions about love that lead us to feeling emotionally exhausted in marriage:
- If you marry the right person, the emotions will always be there. The right person, a soulmate, is not born but made. Soulmates don’t happen on their own. Instead, we roll up our sleeves and work at it.
- If my emotions change for my spouse, I must have married the wrong person. Emotions change, love is a choice. Love is a decision not based on feelings and emotions. It’s loving every day in spite of emotions.*
- Positive events, experiences, and actions should fuel our emotions long term. Evans points out that marriage operates on the Manna Principle—daily.
Manna is a bread-like food God provided for the Israelites while they were exhausted and needing encouragement.
God’s people were only to gather enough manna for each day because He would send more every morning (Exodus 16). If they disobeyed and gathered too much manna, it spoiled and was worthless.
Yesterday’s love is worthless today. It doesn’t matter what our emotions were last month or last year. Just as our physical bodies need nourishment every day, love must be fed daily.
- When emotions are gone, you think you have fallen out of love—no way to get it back.
Falling out of love is a lie from the enemy. Since love is deeper than emotions, we don’t fall out of love any more than we fell into it.
Those emotions when I questioned my husband’s love during struggles in our marriage? Faulty reasoning caused them. My insecurities shouted at me and ignited a destructive fire instead of passion for our relationship.
And while emotions, when kept in perspective, help us process and express our thoughts, they are often not based on truth, and therefore they can’t be trusted.
When we are emotionally exhausted in marriage, our depleted state sets the table and feeds our relationship with junk food. Unhealthy leftovers void of real nourishment.
Going forward, regardless of how we feel right now, we can reflect on these common misconceptions and decide if we’ve been unintentionally feeding them into our marriage, and decide to base our marriage on God’s truth.
Wife Step: Reflect on each of the four misconceptions and ask the Lord to help you lay down lies you’ve formed about love and pick up His truth (read 1 Corinthians 13). If possible, go through these with your husband, and commit to feeding your love daily and discussing how this looks in your marriage.
*Marriage books by Jimmy Evans: https://store.gatewaypeople.com/books/gateway-authors/jimmy-evans/
Karen Friday is a pastor’s wife and women’s ministry leader. As an award-winning writer and avid speaker, she loves words and God’s Word. For over a decade, she has balanced the busy life of church ministry with working from her home office in marketing where she is frequently referred to as Girl Friday. A blogger, Karen “Girl” Friday engages a community every week, Hope is Among Us. She has published a number of articles and devotions in both print and online media, and is currently working on her first book. Karen’s writing connects family life experiences, Christian ministry, and real life scenarios as women to the timeless truths of Scripture. Vulnerable about her own marriage journey, Karen knows life never gets more real than as a wife. Karen and her husband Mike have two grown children and two grandchildren. The entire family is fond of the expression, “TGIF: Thank God it’s Friday.” They owe Monday an apology. Visit her blog at KarenGirlFriday.com
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