5 Truths to Curb Your Need to Control
Within minutes, insecurity flooded my heart and mind with thoughts that I wasn’t good enough, strong enough, and I was losing control.
My typical response of guilting and pleading wouldn’t change this situation, and would only communicate I was needy. So this time I did everything I could to keep communication brief and upbeat.
But as the hours went by, the more I felt myself unraveling from the lack of control, frustrated and unsure how to express my hurt in a way he would understand. I pushed down every temptation I had to call him – to yell and place blame.
The tools I had always used were no longer going to cut it.
I knew I needed to go to God.
The Truth Hurts
After taking the night to pray and process, my husband and I were able to sit down and have a calm, meaningful discussion. One that allowed us to both see how our actions were impacting our marriage in a negative way.
Through the conversation, I learned a few things about myself and how my own tendencies were affecting our marriage. Mainly, my husband shared with me his hesitancy in being honest with me about his plans, knowing I’d respond trying to control him in some way.
He wasn’t wrong.
For years, I’ve tried to control my husband’s time with others. It can be anything from controlling what he watches, what he eats or even how he loads the dishwasher. For you, it might be that you feel the need to control how he feeds the kids, how he makes the bed, or controlling the use of phone time.
I’ve learned the hard way there is a difference between respectfully communicating our feelings and controlling out of fear. When we confront our husbands from a place of fear or insecurity, the controlling nature is perceived by our husbands as nagging or needy, and in turn it builds a wall of helplessness and resentment.
Thankfully, there are certain things we can do to help us avoid the temptation to control and empower us to keep our peace with whatever our husband’s choose.
Here are 5 truths I’ve learned that help us curb our need to control.
- We can only control ourselves. As hard as it is to not tell my husband what I want him to do, I’ve learned that controlling him doesn’t bring us closer instead it puts up walls, and no one wins. It also shows him that I don’t trust him. By keeping this at the forefront of my mind, I am able to first fight back the temptation to respond with critical and hurtful words.
- Communicate clearly and openly without placing blame. Have a conversation. We’ve worked on our expectations and his needs and my needs within those. The clearer you are in what YOU need, followed by asking what he needs, the more likely you are to build each other up vs tearing down.
- Updates. Asking for updates has been a life saver for me! This allows him to know that he can confidently call or text me to let me know when plans change. This one really is based on what works best for you, but it’s helped me hugely feel included and not left in the dark.
- Be quick to apologize. When you don’t bite your tongue quick enough, because we are human. Be as quick to apologize. You will show how far you have come by stopping right in the midst of your escalating, to self correct.
- Have a safe word where you can pause and go get with God. When things start amplifying and we are making no headway in our confrontation, or I just can’t see why he’s not understanding…usually because I am in “control mode”. We’ll pause so I can go have a chat with God to get my mind right!
Managing our husband’s only push our husbands further away.
It’s not always perfect and I still struggle, but learning to not control his choices has been both freeing and empowering at the same time. As we continue down a path of navigating the sometimes difficult relationships we have we can all learn to become more trusting of God amidst it all.
Wife Step: Write this verse on a post-it and put it up where you will see it often! A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. -Proverbs 15:1 NLT
During her daytime hours Elizabeth works as a banker, and loves spending evenings with her Harley-loving husband of 14+ years. They currently reside in Minnesota but have dreams of one day moving someplace warm. A current intern for A Wife Like Me, Elizabeth is taking steps toward using the gifts God has given her to share encouragement with other women through writing. Elizabeth has a heart to see other wives like her fight for their marriages through prayer. You can find Elizabeth supporting others on her Instagram page @emotterstetter