All Wives

You Have Sex How Many Times? – Natalia Drumm

February 3, 2019

You Have Sex How Many Times?

I sat in a room full of women during our weekly small group. One of the ladies was sharing something about her life and marriage when the conversation shifted toward the topic of intimacy. At some point in the conversation I made a statement along the lines of, “When it’s been a couple of days and we haven’t had sex” and I was immediately stopped.


Before another word was uttered I could feel the question coming.


Pandora’s box was opened. “How often are you guys having sex?” she asked.


Oh, the dreaded question. The one we all wonder when a conversation about marriage arises, but we very rarely ask.


You know you’ve wondered.


But be careful – what we don’t want to do as wives is compare how often we are having sex with how often other couples are having sex. When we do compare, questions quickly arise such as: Is it bad that we have sex less frequently than another couple? What’s the ‘magic number’ to safeguard our marriage? Is there a ‘magic number’ of how many times we should be having sex?


So many questions!


No one tells us as little girls dreaming about our fairytale wedding that after the vows are said, the children arrive and bills stack up that sex loses its glamour and can become a complicated dynamic in marriage.


It’s as if once a couple is married they are supposed to have all the answers and magically have a great sex life simply because they said their wedding vows.


Yet in all the years my husband and I have had couples share their lives and marriage stories with us, we have found the issue of sex to often times be a difficult topic within many marriages.


From a spiritual standpoint it makes sense. The devil wants nothing more than to pervert and prevent the very thing God created to bind and unite a married couple as one flesh.


We don’t want to compare our marriage relationship with anyone else’s. However, there are certain questions that can help us gauge if we’re having enough sex in our own marriage.


My answer to my girlfriend that day in our Bible study group was: “It just depends.”


The ideal number of times to have sex is based upon the needs of the marriage unit.


A husband and wife need to sit down and have open and honest conversations about what they want and need and come to an understanding of each other’s needs and desires.


I’m aware these conversations are hardly “romantic.” Movies don’t paint these conversations in their romance plots; however, the truth is these conversations make healthy marriages. And healthy marriages are far more romantic than movie scenes.


Here are a few questions to discuss with your husband:

  • How do you feel about our current sexual relationship?
  • What are some stressors or circumstances which reduce your sexual desires?
  • What can I do to help meet your sexual needs within our marriage?
  • What is a realistic expectation we can have for how often we want to have sex? (Take into consideration your work schedule, family dynamic, health constraints, etc.)


The truth is there is no ‘magic number’ for the perfect amount of sex in a marriage. Each marriage is different, and each season of marriage is different.


As newlyweds with no children and little responsibility or stress, sex might be often. During the early years of raising babies, the frequency of sex changes. In some seasons you’re happy to be able to sleep in your your own bed, and grateful to both be sleeping next to each other instead of with little humans in the middle. During seasons of illness or surgeries sex will wane, whereas during seasons of health, sex increases.


Pray with me. Father, thank you for the gift of sex within the covenant of marriage. Help us treasure the gift of sex and to use it to build a healthy marriage with our husbands. Help us to keep our marriage bed pure and honoring to You.


Wife Step: Download this Intimacy Guide and have a conversation with your husband about your intimacy level.

Natalia Drumm is a writer, speaker and teacher with a passion for building community and engaging women in the Word of God. She is married to her high school sweetheart, and they are raising three little boys in their home town of North Port, FL. Natalia and her husband serve in their local church as marriage small group leaders and life group coaches. They have a passion for healthy marriages as they have seen the restorative power of God in their own marriage and family.


Natalia is an assignment writer for Lifeway Women and serves as the Bible Study Content Editor at Living by Design Ministries. She also volunteers at Proverbs 31 Ministries on their proofreading team and leads a COMPEL Discovery Group. Natalia writes over at where she creates devotional study books on issues relevant to womanhood and living in the fullness of God’s design for womanhood.

When not writing, or serving at church, Natalia spends her time running, reading and enjoying a good Netflix binge. She’s also not be one to turn down a cold Coke and hot chocolate chip cookie.


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