When You’re Married and Lonely

The symptoms of loneliness are unmistakable.  That sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, the lump in your throat, the thoughts that no one understands, or cares, or sees your pain.  Feelings of abandonment or being lost.

It’s interesting that I sometimes feel lonely in a house full of nine people. Seven children sleeping sweetly all under our roof and my husband snoring right next to me.  I can still feel the aches, the lump, and feel alone in a house full of people.

I’ve learned over the years that loneliness actually has very little to do with being alone.  You can be in a crowd of thousands of people and feel isolated, forgotten, and unseen.  You can also be walking by yourself down a country road with not a single person in sight and feel surrounded, loved, and whole.

In times when I’m feeling lonely yet not in fact alone, I now view it as an opportunity for self-assessment.

Loneliness reveals to me two things:

1. Loneliness is a heart issue, not a presence issue.
2. If it’s an issue in my heart, I have control over it.

The root of loneliness is believing you’re alone.  This can happen whether you are actually alone or not.  It’s about perspective.

There are times in life when we are physically alone, which makes us think we are truly alone.  That was actually a lie, because God was with me on each of those sleepless nights. His comfort was just a prayer away, but I was focused on my pain instead of His presence.  

As a wife, I feel lonely when my husband is right next to me because I believe I’m alone in other ways. Although not physically, I may feel alone emotionally or spiritually.  Maybe it’s that my husband hasn’t spent quality time with me in awhile, that he spaced out when I was telling him something important, that he forgot to do something he said he would, or work and other commitments are distracting him from our relationship.  

Am I alone in those moments?  I certainly feel like I am alone.  But in reality, the same truth remains:  God is with me. He sees. He listens. He understands, empathizes, and loves.  

What We Can Do

When we feel lonely in our marriages, are we misplacing our needs that are meant to be met by God on our husbands? Are we offended because they can’t read our minds or pick up on all of our hints?

What would it do for our marriages if we let our husbands off the hook when it came to us feeling lonely?  What if we took responsibility for our hearts and decided to believe that we are never alone?  What if in those moments when loneliness and the lies that we are unseen and unimportant creep in, we spoke truth to ourselves: God sees me. He hears me. He cares. And He’s enough.  

Then, if you are filled up in God’s word and truth and still feel disconnected with your husband, take steps to make a change by downloading free monthly questions to safeguard your marriage and create connection.

Sister, you are never alone.  The One who holds the stars holds you too, and nothing escapes Him.  

Wife Step:  The next time you feel unseen by your husband, decide now that you will pray.  Take your eyes off of what your husband did or didn’t do and focus on how God fills that gap.  You are complete in Him!

Elizabeth Oschwald is a freelance writer, blogger, and joy-seeker.  She lives in central Illinois in an ever-improving rustic farmhouse with her husband and seven children.  They are a blended family, which means the journey she pictured for her life and the one she’s found herself on are definitely different.  But it also means she knows firsthand how God takes broken things and makes them beautiful. She loves to write transparently about their raw and real family life, her experiences in single motherhood, and how Jesus can add joy in every season.  You can connect with her at www.addingjoy.com, on Facebook, and Instagram.