When Your Motherhood Feels Attacked by Your Adult Children

Growing up for our girls, we’d had a difficult marriage and the dysfunction affected them. It is still painful to admit and  was the one thing I struggled forgiving myself and my husband for. 

I don’t think our girls planned to each share their feelings, but it just so happened that in three different conversations each one opened up about how they felt and what they experienced growing up.

At the time when our girls shared, my husband wasn’t open to hearing about the mistakes we had made, leaving me to carry the heartache alone which made it even heavier. It didn’t help that the difficulties they still experienced with him were out of my control. 

But it wasn’t only his imperfections they brought up. They also confronted me with some things I still did that were unhealthy and made them feel guarded with me. I’m not sure which was more painful: the weight of the past or the reality of the present.

It’s Different As a Mom

I’ve achieved things in my life that are considered admirable. I feel good about them and am blessed by God’s grand design to use me in the way He has. But they don’t compare to the importance I feel about my relationships with my children.

I desperately wanted and needed to believe that I did a good job as a mom, and I tried hard. I sacrificed in ways that reflected how much of a priority it was to me.

Relationships are important to us as women. When our relationships aren’t good, it is hard to hold onto the value we have as God’s beloved daughters. Men tie their self-worth to the success of their jobs, but we as women tie ours to our success in our marriages and families.

How to Respond When Our Motherhood Feels Attacked

Take an honest assessment. Although information can feel hurtful, it is important to make a humble and intentional effort to understand your children’s reality.  Even though it hurts badly, relationships are strengthened when we as mothers are able to look at ourselves and assess whether the things our children share (or others share)  are true. In my situation, some were. 

We can then forgive ourselves for the mistakes we have made just as God has. Our children need to work through their pain in their own way and time. We can acknowledge their pain, address what needs to change, and still hold on to our worth in God’s eyes.

Share how you’d like to make adjustments for the relationship. Ask your children how they would like to see things be different. Talk through it together. I had to admit I needed to make changes and work to follow through.

Years later, I’m confident my daughters would say I’ve changed. But we must remember that we  can only control ourselves.

In my despair, God gave me a promise that my family would be restored. We have come a long way since then and it wasn’t always a straight road, but we are healthier together now than we have ever been.

But there was something else God showed me that I want to share with you. You are more than a mother. You are also a daughter of the King who loves you more than you love your children. So when your motherhood feels attacked, remember that your real identity isn’t in your mothering, it’s in your Savior. You are still His, and He is for you.

Wife Step: If you are feeling attached for any reason, ask God to help you to recognize the value you have as His daughter. If you aren’t in pain but know someone else who is, be willing to listen to her pour out her heart while you empathize with her pain.   

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Karla Downing, the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com, offers Christian marriage help and Christian relationship help as a speaker, author, counselor, and Bible study teacher. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and then found herself struggling with Christian codependency in her own difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles, which she now teaches to others. She also trains counselors, pastors, women’s ministry leaders, church leaders, small-group leaders, non-profit ministry leaders, and individuals to minister to Christians in difficult relationships. Karla’s passion is to see individuals, marriages, and families set free from the chains of dysfunction, misunderstanding, and emotional pain through a correct understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships.

Karla Downing is the author of the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association 2004 Silver Medallion Award winner, 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages. Her second book, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, applies the same principles to all family members. Her third book, The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image, offers a unique and life-changing approach to looking at self-image. 

She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Karla also holds a Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts in Communicative Disorders from California State University, Fullerton. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Karla was also the director of Friends in Recovery, a Christ-based, Twelve-Step recovery program.

Karla lives in Southern California. She has been married for over thirty years and has three adult daughters.