The Comparison Trap

You walk into church with your husband at your side, feeling embarrassed about the argument you had on the way to church even though no one knows. You look around and conclude that you are, in fact, the only ones who fought that morning. 

You are doing what all of us women do–comparing yourself, your marriage, and your husband, to other women, their marriages, and husbands.   

Even though this is something we all do, it isn’t good for us. It makes us dissatisfied, discontented, and disillusioned. 

I often compare my husband to other husbands when we were first married. We had a lot of problems, but I didn’t think anyone else did. I concluded that there must be something wrong with us. 

When we compare ourselves to others, we are making an incorrect comparison because we are comparing our insides to their outsides. 

We don’t know the problems others have unless they share them, and most people don’t. We know everything about ourselves, our husbands and our marriages. So of course we are going to conclude that we have more problems.

False comparisons not only affect our marriage, but other areas of our heart as well. As a young mother, I had many women around me who were homeschooling. I wasn’t cut out for homeschooling, yet I felt like I wasn’t as good a mother as they were. It happened again when a friend told me that she rocked her sick six-year old for the entire day. Seriously, I couldn’t do that either. I was a stay-at-home mom and attentive to my sick children, but there was no way that I could ever rock a kid all day with my energy levels. I would go nuts! My conclusion? I wasn’t a good mom.

Comparing ourselves, our marriages, or our husbands to anyone else’s only breeds dissatisfaction and envy. 

Ask yourself, in light of what Christ has done for me on the cross, am I loving Him with all my of my heart, soul, and mind? In what ways can I make steps toward this goal? Am I honoring God with what He has given to me? Am I committed to being the best wife and mother I can be? Am I growing? 

If you are, then you are doing a great job. Those are the only accurate comparisons that are helpful. When you find yourself looking at others and comparing what you have with what they appear to be, remind yourself who you should compare yourself with, and instead practice healthy self-reflection.  

Wife Step: Reflect on how comparing yourself, your marriage, and your husband to other women, their marriages, and their husbands brings dissatisfaction into your life. Now, compare yourself to yourself. How are doing as a mom and wife compared to how you were doing a month ago? What needs to change in your daily routine to make steps of progress?

Karla Downing, the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com, offers Christian marriage help and Christian relationship help as a speaker, author, counselor, and Bible study teacher. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and then found herself struggling with Christian codependency in her own difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles, which she now teaches to others. She also trains counselors, pastors, women’s ministry leaders, church leaders, small-group leaders, non-profit ministry leaders, and individuals to minister to Christians in difficult relationships. Karla’s passion is to see individuals, marriages, and families set free from the chains of dysfunction, misunderstanding, and emotional pain through a correct understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships.

Karla Downing is the author of the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association 2004 Silver Medallion Award winner, 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages. Her second book, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, applies the same principles to all family members. Her third book, The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image, offers a unique and life-changing approach to looking at self-image. 

She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Karla also holds a Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts in Communicative Disorders from California State University, Fullerton. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Karla was also the director of Friends in Recovery, a Christ-based, Twelve-Step recovery program.

Karla lives in Southern California. She has been married for over thirty years and has three adult daughters.