Deciding Your Marriage Will Be Different

When my husband and I got married back in 2002, we were both soberly aware of what we each experienced in our respective homes growing up. Personally, I watched my parents’ marriage of 25 years unravel due to infidelity and sexual orientation masking. So much deception. So much pain. So many lies.

While I felt secure in my orientation and attraction to my husband, I had a very secret and personal fear of, what if I hurt my family the way my dad did? I carry some of his personality, drive and love of excitement. What if I get bored or caught up in a devastating distraction?  What if the very thing I hated about my dad, I become?

This fear got in my face when my husband and I were going through a challenging time. Between anxiety battles, tired-parent-syndrome and more, I unknowingly checked out of the intimacy side of my marriage. I began to wonder if I would be more satisfied with someone else. Someone more exciting, more dangerous (yet still stable with a solid work ethic, right?). It was like I wanted a Boy Scout by day and a Captain Hook (from Once) at night.

This mystery man doesn’t really exist. These fictitious, impossible thoughts only served to drive the fear that my heart wasn’t loyal even deeper. I felt like a lousy wife, and the realization that I was potentially capable of hurting my kids the same way I was hurt was devastating.  

After months of dealing with this pain alone, I took this issue to my husband. I shared with him my concern and told him I didn’t want to be that person. I didn’t want to have desires for anyone else and that I was mad that the thoughts were in my head in the first place. He reminded me of something we prayed for and declared at the very beginning of our life together – that we are a NEW TREE.

To us, a new tree meant we were starting fresh. Just like when you go to the doctor and they ask about your family’s health history to determine your likelihood of developing those same problems, we decided way back then what traits and blessings we would bring with us into our marriage and what bad things were not welcome. A wandering heart was one of them.

If you are experiencing episodes of your mind or heart wandering (or even if you are wandering), and you don’t want those thoughts there, take them to God. The enemy would love to make us feel like we are double-minded and unstable, but the truth is these are spiritual battles we must face and fight to stay on the path our hearts truly want. Declare that you and your husband are a new tree and with God, you are creating a loving, healthy family together.

“So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.” James 4:7 NLT

Wife Step: As a firm believer in the benefits and rewards of honesty in marriage, I encourage you to share your struggle with your husband. Gift him with the knowledge of where you’re at and the ability to create deeper connection. Then pray together. Allow God to lead both of you in what relationships to avoid, what shows to stop watching, etc. and what investments to make in each other that will produce an amazing return.