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Dear Wife Who’s Annoyed With Her Husband – Tracy Herbener

May 24, 2019

Dear Wife Who’s Annoyed With Her Husband

I stood at the sink rinsing the dishes, wanting to get the dishwasher loaded, when my husband came up behind me and needed to get into the sink.  In that moment I wanted to scream at him. Most every time I am at the sink, he does this. I wanted to freak out and ask why he feels the need to interrupt me when I am trying to do something.  


In those frustrating moments, all I can see is my own feelings of annoyance. Of course I’m unable to recognize that in this moment, I was frustrated and irritable and not with him, but with the day.


I would never freak out on a friend if she needed to get into the sink, so why would I freak out on my husband?  Why would I let a minor nuisance and me being irritated cause me to freak out on my husband, the man I love?


In marriage, there are many reasons and opportunities to be frustrated with your husband. Our job in these opportunities isn’t to fix our husband, but rather consider how we will react.


In moments you feel like you’re going to boil over from frustration, how can you keep from freaking out?


Here are some questions to consider to keep things in perspective:


Am I trying to control, or correct my husband? I have learned over the years in my marriage, that while my marriage is not perfect and my husband will not always act or react the way I want him to, I can control how I act and react. If our motive is to control or correct our husband, the result will be more division in your marriage. By slowing down and considering the goal instead of that one situation, you’re able to control your response.


How can I communicate in a neutral tone how I am feeling? It isn’t that we should keep our feelings hidden – rather it’s that we should learn how to communicate our feelings in a way that doesn’t push your husband away. Think through if it’s a good time to talk or not. If it isn’t a good time, simply state you would like to share with him how you feel when you have a few minutes to sit down, and ask him when a good time would be to visit. If it is a good time to share (you aren’t feeling heated, you both don’t have somewhere to be, you both aren’t already distracted with a project or aren’t enjoying a few minutes to relax), simply state how his actions or words make you feel. Avoid using terms that put him on the defensive, such as ‘always’ or ‘never’.


Would I respond to my good friend this same way? My motto is to treat my husband how I would treat my best friend, which he is, and if it doesn’t matter tomorrow it shouldn’t matter today.   


How have I been treating my husband? In my own moments of wanting to freak out, I forget that my husband could write a list of things I do to irritate him. How would I respond if he shared his list with me? If I am not ready to receive his list, then I shouldn’t share mine with him. Asking myself this simple question helps me put the little things in perspective. Life is too short to keep score and keep a list of what he does to irritate me.


Have I talked to God about this? Instead of bringing things to my husband, bring them to God in prayer.  Ask Him for guidance on what to bring up to your husband, if anything, and where you may be prideful and looking to have your complaints listened to so you feel better.  I have learned over the years that if I bring my moments of wanting to freak out to God in prayer, He changes my irritations into teaching lessons, which in turn has strengthened my relationship with God and my marriage.


In the grand scheme of life, these questions help me refocus on what really matters.


I started practicing asking myself these questions, and I noticed that the kitchen sink moments started feeling different.  One particular time after I had been working to keep my frustrations in perspective, I stood at the sink and felt my husband’s breath on my neck. In this moment God spoke to my heart.  He whispered, be quiet and enjoy this moment with your husband.  


It made me remember a woman who spoke into my marriage early on, who shared how you get more with honey than you do with vinegar.


This little phrase comes to my mind often.  Sweetness and kindness warms hearts and homes, and outbursts of shared annoyances and frustrations only push a husband away.


Let’s be wives who practice the pause, considering these questions before responding to our husband.


Looking for a tangible way to work on your marriage? Grab your copy of Dear Wife: 10 Minute Invitations to Practice Connection with Your Husband, here!


Wife Step:  The next time your husband does something to irritate you, stop and bring it to God, ask Him if it is something that you should be talking to your husband about or if it is something you need to learn from.  Ask Him for kind words to speak to your husband instead of the thing you might say without thinking.

Tracy is married to the love of her life and best friend, Darrin. Together they have two beautiful children, Victoria and Edward and two puppies, Tripp and Zoey. She loves spending time at the beach, reading, and a great cup of coffee!

Tracy is passionate about helping women discover their God-given identity and unleashing their influence.  Visit her blog at and find her on Instagram, Facebook , Pinterest or Twitter.

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