Coming Out Of Darkness:

My Struggle With Pornography

I  find it easier to share God’s goodness in areas where I’ve received complete healing. Otherwise, it gets messy and I don’t love messiness.  My secret addiction to pornography is the messiest area of my life.

Porn.

Yuck.

We’ve gotten somewhat used to hearing men talk about their struggles with lust and pornography, but the women among us remain silent on the topic.

I know I am not alone. Thousands, if not millions, of other women struggle with this hidden, shame-inducing issue.

Two years ago, while in recovery from sexual abuse, I heeded the Holy Spirit’s call to share my struggle with a group of women. Although the thought of sharing this hidden part of my life made me feel physically ill, I knew not following His guidance would be unwise.

With a great weight on my chest, I whispered, “My name is Alynda and I have a new life in Christ. This week, I am struggling with masturbation and pornography.”

No audible intakes of breath from shocked sisters in Christ.

Nobody called me choice names.

Not one person looked at me with scorn.

Instead, after the group, women approached me to say, “Me too! I struggle with it too.”

I was not alone.

And if your struggle is the same, you are not alone either. You are surrounded by other women hoping one will be brave enough to come out of the darkness and share.

My struggle started when an abuser put pornographic materials in my hands at the age of eleven. I vacillated between hiding it and flaunting it, depending on the season of life and my walk with God. During the past seventeen years, I’ve hidden.

Married and desiring to live a God-honoring life, I told myself this secret struggle of mine was tiny in the grand scheme of things. I lied to myself and said it hurt nobody but me.

It is a lie, my sisters.  Pornography addiction seeps into our world view, our intimacy with our husband, and how we interact with our heavenly Father.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 says, “It is God’s will you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable.”

I have been on a journey of learning how to control my body in a way that is holy and honorable to God and to my husband. It hasn’t been an easy journey. I’d be dishonest if I said it’s 100% behind me, but much ground has been taken.

We do not have to be defined by our struggles. The Lord not only wants to redeem them, but He wants to use them for His glory and the good of His people.

If pornography is part of your story too, I’d love to pray with and for you as you walk toward the light of being fully known.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” John 1:5

Need to put your mind at ease and ensure porn stays out of your life and marriage? Covenant Eyes provides internet accountability to help you and your loved ones live free from porn. It’s a unique block and accountability that only they offer, and you can get your first 30 days free right now, by clicking here. 

Wife Step: If you struggle with porn, bring it into the light so you are no longer in bondage. Today, share your struggle with pornography with a trusted sister in Christ. If you do not have someone you can share it with, I am a safe place for you.

-Alynda (alynda@faithbeyondfear.com)

Alynda Long and her husband, Brian, live near Dallas, Texas with their two youngest daughters. A lay leader in a sexual abuse recovery ministry at her church, she loves sharing God’s story of redemption and healing in her life while helping other women walk through their own journey of recovery.  She writes about the lessons the Lord teaches in her day to day life as a wife, mother, and friend at alyndalong.com. She thrives on Jesus, coffee, books, chocolate, and friendships!