The Impact of Cheap Grace
The apology is spoken. You accept. But you don’t really mean it.
Maybe we really want to forgive. Maybe we just aren’t ready to. Either way, we accept the apology without a true intent to walk out the argument with forgiveness, releasing the punishment that might match the hurt.
We are all a victim of the cheap grace at one point or another in our marriages.
What happens when we dole out cheap grace?
Usually, when we aren’t sincere in the acceptance of an apology, the issue returns to the table in the near future. Because we haven’t truly released the issue, we are easily triggered and get upset over something else. Emotion we are still carrying around rises to the surface, causing us to not only revisit the past problem but also adds fuel to the new situation.
Impact on us and our husbands:
Cheap grace tends to make them feel insecure or unsure in the ‘grace’ they are being shown. Over time, they start to wonder if they are really forgiven; whether this will be an issue that keeps coming back to haunt them.
When we offer a cheap form of grace, we aren’t really offering grace at all. The grace given to us all through Jesus Christ on the cross was undeserved. When we live in a place of holding someone hostage to their wrong for whatever reason, our own hearts suffer, because we harbor anger and resentment, and live in bondage to these feelings of unforgiveness.
So how do we show real grace and forgiveness in marriage?
It’s not always as simple as many Christians make it sometimes sound. It’s true that Scripture is clear we are to forgive and release, regardless of how many times we’ve been hurt or offended (Matthew 18:21-22), but it would be unwise to offer forgiveness for the sake of checking a box. God is concerned with your heart – and wants you to mean what you say. He desires you to truly offer grace and mean it, because He knows the result in your own heart is a release and freedom. But to get to this place often takes real conversation, processing, prayer, and time.
When hurts are deep, ongoing, or our anger is fierce, we need time to work through our emotions and come out the other end in a better place. We will always dole cheap grace when we forgive without truly processing the pain.
Process hurt by asking yourself some important questions:
What about this is most difficult for me?
What is it about this that made me feel how I feel?
Did I have an expectation around this that was not communicated that needs to be?
What is my part in this?
How could I have handled this differently?
How do I desire my husband to handle this differently going forward?
After you take time to process these questions with God by praying and asking Him to help you see deeper into the situation, communicate to your husband what you’ve learned.
No matter the size of the sin, the process remains the same. Process your pain, frustration and concern through prayer and time. Communicate your feelings, only accepting an apology when you mean it.
Hurt is an opportunity for honesty and communication to build deeper intimacy in marriage. It is a chance to add another brick to the foundation that our marriage is built upon.
If you are feeling unforgiveness in your heart for something your husband did or said, even though he apologized and you accepted that apology, please know you are not alone.
We all deal with this in our marriages to some extent. And we all have access to the Greatest Giver of Grace, who can pour into our hearts and fill us to overflowing. Process it now and deal with it so that your marriage doesn’t suffer.
Take the time and put in the work to process the hurt, so you can offer true grace.
But grace was given to each of us according to the measure of Christ’s grace. Ephesians 4:7 (ESV)
Wife Step: Take a few minutes right now to pray and ask God to reveal any unforgiveness you might be harboring in your heart. Allow Him to work within you to help you change that cheap grace for the real thing. Make every effort to work on communicating with your husband about how you are feeling and be honest about your acceptance of an apology.
If the hurts are huge, don’t be afraid to seek outside help from a pastor or counselor who can walk you through forgiveness.
*Note: This post, including most all on our site, is not for any marriage experiencing any type of abuse, abandonment, mental illness or addiction. If your marriage involves any of these, please seek professional help today.
Betty Predmore is an author, speaker, blogger, and ministry leader. Betty has experienced broken homes, divorce, abuse, grief, being a single mother, blended families, and adoption. Betty uses the broken places and movement of God in her own life to share God’s Word in an inspiring way, sprinkled with honesty, humor, and encouragement, and reflecting the love of Jesus to all she meets.
Betty is the Founding Director of two community faith-based ministries. Mom-Sense helps women overcome life struggles through small group classes with biblical curriculum, individual counseling, bibles studies, and other areas of support. The Imperial Valley Coalition for Life is a pro-life organization that values the sanctity of life and encourages women to choose life by offering various means of support throughout pregnancy and infancy.
Betty has published two devotionals: Pondering Virtue and Whispered Grace. Betty is honored to be a part of the A Wife Like Me contributor team. She has also contributed to other publications such as Southern Faith Magazine, Purposeful Life, and Aspiring Woman Magazine. She is also a contributor for several online Christian blogging sites.
Of all her roles in life, Betty is most honored to be wife to Jim and mama to a brood of 7, which includes biological and adopted children.
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