3 Steps to Stop Shame From Stealing Intimacy in Your Marriage

The day came and went – the glorious wedding day. Everything was perfect . . . well almost everything, but it didn’t matter. Because all that mattered was my husband. Gazing into his eyes, our hearts melted into one another and we laughed at the thought that our passion could ever fade.

And by God’s grace, it hasn’t . . . but it looks different than it did on day one.

We have encountered many obstacles to intimacy that surprised us. The mundane routines of life, the busy seasons, and sick children all take the spontaneity out of romance.

But there is another passion-killer in many marriages that is not so easily seen.

Culture sets a stage for us if we let it, impacting the intimacy we were supposed to enjoy with our husband through comparison and an over-emphasis on appearance. And the spontaneous romance we began with can be squelched by shame lurking in the background.

Shame in the bedroom.

What was intended to be a place of freedom and enjoying our husband can become a place of pain. Why? As women, we can let our appearance be the ruin of the beautiful intimacy God intended us to have in marriage when we compare ourselves to others.

When we focus on looking perfect on the outside, we miss the opportunity and purpose of intimacy – knowing one another completely and being completely accepted as we are.

Shame from comparison robs us of the freedom and intimacy God wants us to have.

3 Steps to Stop Shame From Stealing Intimacy in Your Marriage

1. Set boundaries. Setting boundaries to limit the influence of the world into our love nest brings our love life back into the right focus. This might mean removing social media from your phone, or taping this article up on your bathroom mirror. Setting boundaries helps to remove the pressure of having a to look a certain way and helps you instead focus on nurturing your husband with the bodies God gave you.

2. Focus on your husband. What we focus on makes all the difference in the world. When we focus on our appearance, we are focusing on ourselves – an external performance with shame as its by-product. But when we focus on our husband and his desires, intimacy becomes a place of ministry and joy, focusing on honoring God by seeking to delight in my husband. It was never supposed to be about us in the first place.

3. Choose passion over shame. We were meant to be people of passion but shame has silently stolen our passion away. We get to be a fly on the wall of Solomon’s love life when we read the Songs of Solomon, seeing that passion is a beautiful thing to be celebrated. We aren’t able to experience passion unless we choose the experience over shame. Don’t let shame steal your passion.

Love your husband in an environment void of shame by choosing to rise above shame and creating an environment of delighting in one another. Take the courageous step of ridding your heart of negative self-thoughts and instead enjoy the gift of intimacy you and your husband desire to share.

Wife Step: Love your husband in an environment void of shame by avoiding comparison.

“Draw me after you; let us hurry! May the king bring me into his bedroom chambers! —Song of Solomon 1:4(a) NET

Speaker, author, Christian CCM artist and worship leader, Denise Pass delivers a powerful, authentic message through song and word, spoken and written underneath the ministry umbrella “Seeing Deep Ministries”, with a goal of discipleship and authentic faith.

Her message comes from her own personal experiences which have given her a heart of compassion to help heal others and point them to hope in Christ through it all. Denise is the author of Shame Off You (Abingdon Press, August 2018), the devotional 31 Days to Hope Reinvented, and has won awards for her songs “You Are Worthy”, “Layers” and “Reign in Me”.

When she is not traveling with her ministry, Denise is home educating her youngest son, working as an executive assistant and leading worship at her home church. You can find Denise’s books, music and podcast on her website: www.denisepass.com, a cozy place on the web where visitors find healing and grace. Denise lives with her husband and five children in Fredericksburg, VA.