4 Reasons Couples Experience Destructive Communication and How to Change It
Are you in a pattern of destructive communication with your husband?
Do you feel hurt by your husband’s words? Do you communicate with a lack of care or concern? Do you often misunderstand one another or assume something that causes even more breakdown in communication?
If so, you’re not alone.
It took me a number of years of being married to realize that my communication toward my husband was destructive and was creating a pattern and cycle of destructive communication.
I’ve learned what often causes destructive communication and how to create constructive communication.
1. Ignorance. I had learned unhealthy communication styles from my childhood and from my personality that I had not realized were manipulative, negative, and sharp. Because this communication had served me well prior to marriage and even at the start of our marriage, I did not recognize the impact my communication was having on our marriage and therefore wasn’t addressing it. My husband was fearful of being honest with me because he knew he would pay for his honesty with my reaction (seriously hug him if you see him – babe, I’m so sorry).
If you’ve grown up in dysfunction, generational sin, undiagnosed mental illnesses or addictions, or if you have a spicy personality (you know who you are) – you’re in danger of destructive communication toward your spouse.
Continue reading to turn your ignorance into knowledge.
2. Unresolved wounds. Familial hurts, abandonment, abuse, and common human disappointment can leave us with open wounds. These wounds, if hidden or buried, are typically directed toward your spouse. Unresolved pain can look like negative self-talk, jealousy, fear, defensiveness, passivity, manipulation, blaming, or doubt. Unresolved past pain causes your reality to be distorted. We can’t love people well and we can’t receive love well when we have unresolved wounds.
To heal unresolved wounds, be honest about its existence. Admit the pain and bring it into the light. Take responsibility for what your pain has done to yourself and to your marriage. Then ask for forgiveness, and forgive any person(s) where forgiveness is needed. Forgiveness is the most loving thing you can do. For the sake of your marriage, don’t let your past hold you and your family hostage any second longer by living in bondage. Christ died so that you can live in freedom from hurt caused to you or by you. Make amends today.
Sometimes it’s not this simple, and counseling is ideal. If that is you or your spouse, contact a local Christian Counselor today.
3. Defensiveness. Healthy couples listen and consider what the other thinks and feels. Unhealthy couples find themselves in a cycle of unresolved issues because nothing gets resolved. Defensiveness is a barrier to intimacy and is actually a predictor of divorce. A spouse might interrupt, misinterpret information, skew or exaggerate information, deflect information or blame the other spouse. Most couples recognize seasons of defensiveness and commonly relate these seasons to times when they are lacking intimacy and/or have low self-esteem.
To stop the cycle of defensiveness, one spouse must commit to refraining from defensiveness even if the other spouse stays defensive. All it takes is one spouse refusing to be defensive by taking in a complaint, suggestion, or idea that their spouse has – accepting the information lovingly, and thanking them for it. This begins a new pattern and creates a new cycle of communication to start.
Ask God to reveal any areas of insecurity, and then ask God to soften your heart and guard your lips. Commit to speaking life to your spouse, and earn the right to bring something other than life to your spouse. Ask yourself, have I spoken enough praise to bring this to my spouse?
4. Lack of biblical community. We want to phone the friend that will side with us and confirm how we feel. So much that psychologists study it and have named it as the confirmation bias. It’s dangerous to your marriage and family. Biblical community looks different than possibly what your friends look like now – because biblical community groups hold each other accountable and won’t tell you what you want to hear. Instead, they will direct you toward Christ, possible repentance, and/or restoration.
If you aren’t already actively attending a local church – get your buns to one! Don’t let your spouse stop you from it. If you are already actively attending a local church but aren’t involved in a small group, call your church today and tell them you’d like to join one!
Friends, our marriages and families are our opportunities to let Jesus shine by how we love. I pray that you would desire to glorify God more than satisfying your flesh and tearing apart your spouse. There is too much at stake.
Wife Step: Today, go to your husband and apologize for your own communication by recognizing how your communication has been hurtful or unhealthy.
Amanda laughs a lot – mostly at herself. One day Jesus saved her life, her marriage, and her family, and has kept on doing it ever since. She is on a mission to share how her education in counseling and God’s word changed everything. Her goal is to transform marriages through the hearts of wives by inspiring wives to live their lives convinced of God’s love and love others from this awesome overflow. She is The Wife Coach, Founder of A Wife Like Me, a Speaker, and Author. Amanda is a professor of psychology at North Dakota State College of Science and works as the Director of Assimilations at The Naz church in Fergus Falls, MN, where her and her husband lead the Marriage Mentor Team. Her favorite ministry is inside her home where she is the wife to a farmer and mom to three. She looks forward to hearing from you and hopes you will join with her on the journey of learning to love God’s people well.
My husband and I have a lack of communication. Hard time resolving situations without fighting with one another. We have both been abuse in our child hood. I have forgiven those who hurt me. I have no self control. Please pray for my marriage
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What a miracle to have my ex back and i need to share this great testimony… I just want to say thanks Dr ogbo for taking time to help me cast the spell {now my husband},who suddenly lost interest in me after six month of engagement, but today we are married and we are more happier than ever before, I am really short of words and joyful, and i don’t know how much to show my appreciation to you Dr ogbo you are a God sent to restore broken relationship. he deeply enjoy helping people achieve their desires, find true love, getting their ex lovers back, stop abusive relationships, find success, attract happiness, find soul mates and more, contact him today and let him show you the wonders and amazement of his Love Spell System. He deliver results at his best in real spell casting, email: Psychicogboreading@gmail.com OR what’sApp +2349057657558
After I and my husband got married, we relocated to another city and we both got jobs and started working and living together happily. We never had any problems until a colleague of his started doing all she can to get my husband’s attention. I never knew all along what was going until he started sleeping out and making excuses. Things got out of control and he eventually stopped attending to my needs. I knew at that point I needed help so I contacted Dr Isikolo and explained everything to him. He told me all that has been going and promised to fix the problems for me which he did. He cast a love reunion spell for me which reunited i and my husband and he started being the man I always loved him to be just after 48 hours Dr Isikolo worked for me. We are both happy now and it would not have been possible if not for Dr Isikolo. Contact him if you need any help. His email: page: https://isikolo-temple.com or text him on WhatsApp +2348133261196.
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I want to use this opportunity to thank the great prophet for restoring back my home when i taught all hope was lost. Ex lover left for another woman and i met this great spell caster online call Dr Jato and i explain my situation to him, after 24 hours my ex lover came back to me and now we are happy together You can contact this great man for any kind of spiritual work Email: $ jatolovespell@gmail.com$ $ or whatsapp him at +23481$ 40073965FB Page:
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Great chances to have your man back to you and your kids with the help of DR ISIKOLO.
My husband left me and our 2 kids for about 10 months. I went through a lot of pain. I tried everything possible to make him return back to me and to the kids but nothing worked out. It was really a stressful period for me because I never wanted to go through the heartbreak. i was told to get a love spell doctor contacted to help me out which i did i was lucky to get DR ISIKOLO Contact who was able to help me out, i contacted him and explained everything to him and complied with his procedures and he did the love reunion spell that brought back my husband to me and to his kids in 2 days. thanks so much DR ISIKOLO. I really appreciate what you have done for me. Here is his contact if you may required for it by solving your relationship problems, His page: https://isikolo-temple.com or as well text him via WhatsApp on +2348133261196
I was on holiday celebrating my 30th wedding anniversary when I received an email from the National Lottery to inform me that I had won, I never believed in voodoo spells until I became the winner of £61m EuroMillions Lottery with the winning numbers Chief Ade gave me with assurance that I was going to win, not every testimony you see online is fake, that was the same thing Chief Ade told me when I was doubting his spell before I finally agreed to give it a try. The purpose of my coming here is to let the world know that there are still real and genuine people on Earth, and Chief Ade is one of them. Are you struggling to win the lottery, or do you wish to win big on the lottery? Chief Ade is the way Email chiefadespellhome@gmail. com || WhatsApp +234 901 380 6328 THANK YOU ..
After being in relationship with him for seven years, he broke up with me, I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain. I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him and I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I contacted a spell caster called DR ISIKOLO that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before two days, that my ex will return to me before three days, he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 4pm. My ex called me and we resolved the differences and we are happy together now. Anybody could need the help of the spell caster and you can review his website: https://isikolo-temple.com, or call/text him via WhatsApp on: +2348133261196.
I was going through a rough time in my life and it greatly affected my union with my wife. We had so many emotional problems and struggles and this alone made us pay less attention to each other’s need. While i was on it trying to fix my problems and get back on my feet so that i can reshape my marriage and make it work better, my wife had women around her that influenced her wrongly and made her took the wrong part by walking away. That incident alone broke me and i was sure she wasnt doing everything she doing with her right senses. I did what i can to restore peace but it never worked and i had to Contact Dr Isikolo who made it possible for me fix the problem. He worked for me and restored back the love and connection between me and my wife and she returne back home. The result of his work started manifesting just after 48 hours as promised and i can bold say everything is fine between us now and we are both happy together, I am here to validate the information out there that Dr Isikolo is a good and honest man that you can trust to help you with your problems. His website: https://isikolo-temple.com and you can as well text him via WhatsApp +234-8133261196.
Before I became a lottery winner, I wondered how other lottery winners has done it because I thought it was impossible then, until Chief Ade helped me with his spiritual prayer that works urgently. I was scared to try spell because of what I heard about spell, but I still gave it a try and let Chief Ade do what he knows how to do best. Chief Ade put in work after I provided all the necessary materials needed for the work, he gave me the lottery numbers the next day and instructed me on how to play which I did, I won the 65 MILLION LOTTO MAX jackpot the next day and I was so happy to announce to my wife and children about my wins, I’m Mark Hanley of Newmarket, Ontario. I’m sharing my great experience to you all who are finding it difficult to win the lottery, reach out to Chief Ade on chiefadespellhome@gmail.com OR WhatsApp +234 901 380 6328 you will never regret contacting Chief Ade
I acquired my first home at the beginning of the year. To some, lottery players appear ridiculous, while we view it as a chance for an improved future. I’m known as Megan Taylor and I have played the lottery for ten years, yet I haven’t won anything substantial. In my pursuit of understanding how to win better, I was advised to consult Lord Meduza, the priest who provided me with the precise 6 numbers that helped me secure the Mega Millions jackpot of $277 million after using his spell powers and following his guidance. Lord Meduza services is top notch, and I believe your dreams aren’t finished unless you decide they are. Contact Lord Meduza the priest, and he will assist you in realizing your aspirations..
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With my experience working with Dr Isikolo, i came to the conclusion there are very good and honest people out there who can truly do all they can to fix whatever problems you have even when they are not known to you visibly or see them in person. I lost my marriage for not being able to fully what it means to lead a woman right and accept the fact that they are wired in a way we men can never understand. I had to seek help from Dr Isikolo knowing my wife is a good woman whom i cant loose to anyone else. It was a tough situation for me though and too many things was revealed to me while he was helping me to fix the problems and i got the effect of the result just after 48 hours as he assured me and i have my wife back home to me. Dr Isikolo is the best option you can choose to restore love and connection between you and your partner and get back them back to your lives and be happy together forever. You can call/text him via WhatsApp +234-8133261196 or click on his webpage and see more details about his works. https://isikolo-temple.com