4 Reasons Couples Experience Destructive Communication and How to Change It
Are you in a pattern of destructive communication with your husband?
Do you feel hurt by your husband’s words? Do you communicate with a lack of care or concern? Do you often misunderstand one another or assume something that causes even more breakdown in communication?
If so, you’re not alone.
It took me a number of years of being married to realize that my communication toward my husband was destructive and was creating a pattern and cycle of destructive communication.
I’ve learned what often causes destructive communication and how to create constructive communication.
1. Ignorance. I had learned unhealthy communication styles from my childhood and from my personality that I had not realized were manipulative, negative, and sharp. Because this communication had served me well prior to marriage and even at the start of our marriage, I did not recognize the impact my communication was having on our marriage and therefore wasn’t addressing it. My husband was fearful of being honest with me because he knew he would pay for his honesty with my reaction (seriously hug him if you see him – babe, I’m so sorry).
If you’ve grown up in dysfunction, generational sin, undiagnosed mental illnesses or addictions, or if you have a spicy personality (you know who you are) – you’re in danger of destructive communication toward your spouse.
Continue reading to turn your ignorance into knowledge.
2. Unresolved wounds. Familial hurts, abandonment, abuse, and common human disappointment can leave us with open wounds. These wounds, if hidden or buried, are typically directed toward your spouse. Unresolved pain can look like negative self-talk, jealousy, fear, defensiveness, passivity, manipulation, blaming, or doubt. Unresolved past pain causes your reality to be distorted. We can’t love people well and we can’t receive love well when we have unresolved wounds.
To heal unresolved wounds, be honest about its existence. Admit the pain and bring it into the light. Take responsibility for what your pain has done to yourself and to your marriage. Then ask for forgiveness, and forgive any person(s) where forgiveness is needed. Forgiveness is the most loving thing you can do. For the sake of your marriage, don’t let your past hold you and your family hostage any second longer by living in bondage. Christ died so that you can live in freedom from hurt caused to you or by you. Make amends today.
Sometimes it’s not this simple, and counseling is ideal. If that is you or your spouse, contact a local Christian Counselor today.
3. Defensiveness. Healthy couples listen and consider what the other thinks and feels. Unhealthy couples find themselves in a cycle of unresolved issues because nothing gets resolved. Defensiveness is a barrier to intimacy and is actually a predictor of divorce. A spouse might interrupt, misinterpret information, skew or exaggerate information, deflect information or blame the other spouse. Most couples recognize seasons of defensiveness and commonly relate these seasons to times when they are lacking intimacy and/or have low self-esteem.
To stop the cycle of defensiveness, one spouse must commit to refraining from defensiveness even if the other spouse stays defensive. All it takes is one spouse refusing to be defensive by taking in a complaint, suggestion, or idea that their spouse has – accepting the information lovingly, and thanking them for it. This begins a new pattern and creates a new cycle of communication to start.
Ask God to reveal any areas of insecurity, and then ask God to soften your heart and guard your lips. Commit to speaking life to your spouse, and earn the right to bring something other than life to your spouse. Ask yourself, have I spoken enough praise to bring this to my spouse?
4. Lack of biblical community. We want to phone the friend that will side with us and confirm how we feel. So much that psychologists study it and have named it as the confirmation bias. It’s dangerous to your marriage and family. Biblical community looks different than possibly what your friends look like now – because biblical community groups hold each other accountable and won’t tell you what you want to hear. Instead, they will direct you toward Christ, possible repentance, and/or restoration.
If you aren’t already actively attending a local church – get your buns to one! Don’t let your spouse stop you from it. If you are already actively attending a local church but aren’t involved in a small group, call your church today and tell them you’d like to join one!
Friends, our marriages and families are our opportunities to let Jesus shine by how we love. I pray that you would desire to glorify God more than satisfying your flesh and tearing apart your spouse. There is too much at stake.
Wife Step: Today, go to your husband and apologize for your own communication by recognizing how your communication has been hurtful or unhealthy.
Amanda laughs a lot – mostly at herself. One day Jesus saved her life, her marriage, and her family, and has kept on doing it ever since. She is on a mission to share how her education in counseling and God’s word changed everything. Her goal is to transform marriages through the hearts of wives by inspiring wives to live their lives convinced of God’s love and love others from this awesome overflow. She is The Wife Coach, Founder of A Wife Like Me, a Speaker, and Author. Amanda is a professor of psychology at North Dakota State College of Science and works as the Director of Assimilations at The Naz church in Fergus Falls, MN, where her and her husband lead the Marriage Mentor Team. Her favorite ministry is inside her home where she is the wife to a farmer and mom to three. She looks forward to hearing from you and hopes you will join with her on the journey of learning to love God’s people well.
My husband and I have a lack of communication. Hard time resolving situations without fighting with one another. We have both been abuse in our child hood. I have forgiven those who hurt me. I have no self control. Please pray for my marriage
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I was at work the next morning when my friend FaceTimed me and asked me if I had checked my ticket because the news was saying the winning ticket was bought at the Huron Plaza Liquor.
I got off the phone and went to my truck to get the ticket. After I checked it, all could do was scream. Everyone from work came running to check on me. Once I got calmed down, my boss made sure I was able to get a ride home because there was no way I would be able to drive after learning I was a multi-millionaire. thank you so much Dr Dominion for what you have done for my entire generations, i will forever be grateful. you may want to try him too here is his info bellow:
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How I got my husband back and saved my marriage.
I can’t think of anything more painful or heartbreaking than hearing your husband say “I don’t love you anymore. Or “It’s over. I’m in love with someone else.”
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WE WON $70,000,000 ON LOTTO MAX WITH LORD BUBUZA LOTTERY SPELL: We have been married for 51 years and we have tried everything we could to win the Lotto Max lottery. I went online for help then I saw Testimonies of people thanking lord Bubuza for helping them win the lottery by casting a spell and revealing the lottery numbers to them. I immediately contacted him for help and he responded saying “I will cast a lottery spell and reveal the lottery winning numbers to you” I provided the requirements to cast the spell and after which he gave us the number so we purchased the Quick Pick Lotto Max ticket at a grocery store while on our way to camp and behold we won 70 million dollars and kept it a secret for a while. Our names are Doug and Enid Hannon and we are gladly recommending lord Bubuza to everyone willing to win too. Contact him via Email: lordbubuzamiraclework@hotmail.com or WhatsApp: +1 365 808 5313……
I WON THE LOTTERY AS A RETIRED BUS DRIVER: I was going to be a retired bus driver who had no savings, the thought of it kept draining me daily, I have been playing lotto for the past years without luck. I went online for a research on life after retirement when I saw Random testimonies of people appreciating a spell caster called Lord Bubuza for giving them the right LOTTO winning numbers so I immediately contacted Lord Bubuza for help to win the LOTTO 6/49 JACKPOT via Text/Call: +1 505 569 0396, he said I can only win with the right numbers which will be revealed to him by his gods after casting a spell. I did as he instructed and the spell was cast, he gave me the numbers and said I should go and play without fear. I bought the ticket and played. It was very shocking and surprising when I discovered that all the numbers Lord Bubuza gave me matched all six winning numbers in the April 6 draw. I became winner of $18.7 million with the help of Lord Bubuza numbers. I will continue to appreciate him, Join me thank him via email: Lordbubuzamiraclework@hotmail.com or WhatsApp: +1 365 808 5313…..
WE WON $70,000,000 ON LOTTO MAX WITH LORD BUBUZA LOTTERY SPELL: We have been married for 51 years and we have tried everything we could to win the Lotto Max lottery. I went online for help then I saw Testimonies of people thanking lord Bubuza for helping them win the lottery by casting a spell and revealing the lottery numbers to them. I immediately contacted him for help and he responded saying “I will cast a lottery spell and reveal the lottery winning numbers to you” I provided the requirements to cast the spell and after which he gave us the number so we purchased the Quick Pick Lotto Max ticket at a grocery store while on our way to camp and behold we won 70 million dollars and kept it a secret for a while. Our names are Doug and Enid Hannon and we are gladly recommending lord Bubuza to everyone willing to win too. Contact him via Email: lordbubuzamiraclework@hotmail.com or WhatsApp: +1 365 808 5313 ….
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