All Wives

Why My Husband Doesn’t Earn My Affection and Love – Karen Friday

October 15, 2018

Somewhere in our marriage I had lost that loving feeling.  


And my husband mentioned it more than once – there was no flirting from me.


Sometimes we buy into the wrong view of love, using affection in loose terms. Expressing sentiments for a herd of things from people to food, from possessions to sports teams. It causes our hearts to sway in the wind of fickleness.


Culture’s version of love totters on a seesaw between having that loving feeling and losing that loving feeling. A love that is never solid and sure.


So when I walked by my husband’s chair, paused, leaned down, and planted a supersized kiss on him that sizzled and lingered, he immediately questioned my affection. “What did I do to deserve that?”


“Just because. Because you are my guy and I am your girl. Because I love you.”


I admit to feeling a little put off to his shock.


We don’t need a reason to show our husband we love him.  And certainly not a reason riding on the coattails of earned or deserving love. Still, we often convey a heart motive of this: how you love me is how I love you back; how affectionate you are with me is how affectionate I am with you.


So I had to ask myself a few hard questions of my own.


  • Why is my husband surprised when I instigate a spontaneous love-moment with him? Maybe in the initial part of our marriage I was more affectionate and spontaneous. Perhaps, after years of marriage, the same routine, and the daily grind, I lost this side of the girl in me…the lover in me.


  • Am I participating enough in love’s show-and-tell? This time I showed my husband my love through the unexpected kiss and then told him why I love him. Yet, am I in a rut with the telling part and not the demonstrating part? We used to hold hands more and hug more and give kisses on the cheek or lips, as if it were important to do so. What happened?


I desire to improve on showing my husband love. And he won’t complain. My husband really did nothing to deserve the love I gave. But I gave it in that moment anyway.


Likewise, because of Christ’s love for us, unearned and undeserved, we are called to the same kind of love. When a God-kind-of-love is present, affection can’t help but present itself in both show and tell.


The heavenly Father tells us and shows us how much He loves us.  “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 ESV)


Undeserved love is the key ingredient for healthy affection in our marriage.


Authentic telling love = Authentic showing affection.


And here’s the best part. Daily interaction and intimacy (spontaneous and intentional) with our husband revitalizes our marriage. It’s a digging-in love, unearthing affection that will always disrupt the status quo.


It’s finding that loving feeling…getting it back.


Wife Step:  Complete a heart check with these questions. Have I lost that loving feeling? Is the love I show my husband dependent on the love he shows me? Do I regularly show-and-tell my husband how much I love him?

Karen Friday is a pastor’s wife and women’s ministry leader. As an award-winning writer and avid speaker, she loves words and God’s Word. For over a decade, she has balanced the busy life of church ministry with working from her home office in marketing where she is frequently referred to as Girl Friday. A blogger, Karen “Girl” Friday engages a community every week, Hope is Among Us. She has published a number of articles and devotions in both print and online media, and is currently working on her first book. Karen’s writing connects family life experiences, Christian ministry, and real life scenarios as women to the timeless truths of Scripture. Vulnerable about her own marriage journey, Karen knows life never gets more real than as a wife. Karen and her husband Mike have two grown children and a grandson. The entire family is fond of the expression, “TGIF: Thank God it’s Friday.” They owe Monday an apology.

Visit her blog at

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