Boundaries are challenging in marriages. I have gone from not being sure if I had a right to set boundaries, to knowing I did and should. But because my mother didn’t model setting boundaries and because I felt like I couldn’t in my marriage, it is still a challenge to figure out which ones are worth fighting for when my husband is often resistant.
When It Starts Off Rocky
We raised our three daughters in a dysfunctional home. My husband didn’t recognize the dysfunction and wasn’t willing to admit that our daughters had been negatively impacted by the problems. While many of the patterns were no longer happening, I still couldn’t have a conversation with him about the past where he could admit what he had done. I had given up getting him to see the truth, rationalizing that it didn’t matter since it wasn’t happening.
But that all changed. The girls began talking with me about their struggles related to the past and the emotions they had concerning it. It was good that they were talking but I had to admit, it was heavy to hear it from all three of them at the same time. I felt overwhelmed with bearing it alone. I tried to talk to my husband and was immediately shut down with his denial.
Processing Our Needs And Bottom Line
I didn’t argue with him and instead I spent some time journaling, thinking and praying. I allowed myself to feel the emotions including the pain and sadness. I focused on what I needed and how it felt to have him refuse to admit his part in the dysfunction the girls experienced. It hurt. I had to figure out what I needed. After a week or so, I had come to a decision.
I decided that I was no longer comfortable carrying the past alone. I needed to be able to talk to him and at least have some acknowledgement of what happened and that the girls were struggling. And I wanted him to work with me to heal the brokenness in our girls and that couldn’t happen if he stayed in denial.
Not What I Hoped For
I brought it up. I told him that I was no longer comfortable with him denying the past problems that impacted our daughters. I told him that it would affect our relationship if it wasn’t resolved and that it was too painful to carry alone and not fair to me. I told him I needed him to be able to understand and acknowledge his part. I recognized it wouldn’t be easy for him and that it would take work and humility.
He reacted predictably by saying no.
Although I was disappointed, I didn’t react. I brought it up again a week later and a week later after that. He finally was able to ask questions to get a better understanding of what I was asking and then agreed to work on it.
How You Know Your Bottom Line
At this point, you are probably wondering how you can know what your bottom line is. It’s a process. You pay close attention to your heart, and you ask yourself some questions.
What hurts? What would heal those hurts? What causes you to pull away from your husband? What makes you pull closer? What is wounding the hearts of your children? What do they need to heal? What do you need to keep your family and marriage healthy financially, spiritually, relationally, physically, mentally and emotionally? It takes a while to figure these things out especially when they are big things. Little things are easier.
Because I didn’t know my bottom line early in our marriage, this situation would have led to a different outcome. I wouldn’t have been able to wait for him to think it through. I would have reacted to his initial negative response. I would have either argued to pressure him to agree or given in to fear and backed off my request.
Growth and Understanding Your Bottom Line
I didn’t this time because I have learned that knowing my bottom line is an awareness I can’t let go of if I want to be true to myself. When we recognize our need for something and the only thing preventing us from getting it is taking a courageous and firm stand in our marriages, we need to face our fears and risk asking for what we need.
I knew I needed this issue to be dealt with, and that to let it go was to shortchange myself. I needed to have a partner who could acknowledge the truth about the past. I wasn’t asking too much and I wouldn’t back down. I had also learned that quiet confident resolve is more powerful than arguing.
We don’t always know our bottom lines. It takes time to work through the issues to get to the heart of the matter and know what we need as women, as wives, as mothers, as daughters, as sisters. It is okay to take whatever time we need to figure it out through prayer and reflection. Once we do, we need to give ourselves the permission to be true to ourselves and stand up for what we need and stick to it—even when we face resistance.
For more on the difference between rules and boundaries, read here. For help creating boundaries in marriage, read here.
Wife Step: What are you struggling with that needs a bottom line? Do you need more time to figure it our or do you need to find the courage to take a stand for what you know in your heart you need?
Karla Downing, the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com, offers Christian marriage help and Christian relationship help as a speaker, author, counselor, and Bible study teacher. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and then found herself struggling with Christian codependency in her own difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles, which she now teaches to others. She also trains counselors, pastors, women’s ministry leaders, church leaders, small-group leaders, non-profit ministry leaders, and individuals to minister to Christians in difficult relationships. Karla’s passion is to see individuals, marriages, and families set free from the chains of dysfunction, misunderstanding, and emotional pain through a correct understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships.
Karla Downing is the author of the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association 2004 Silver Medallion Award winner, 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages. Her second book, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, applies the same principles to all family members. Her third book, The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image, offers a unique and life-changing approach to looking at self-image.
She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Karla also holds a Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts in Communicative Disorders from California State University, Fullerton. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Karla was also the director of Friends in Recovery, a Christ-based, Twelve-Step recovery program.
Karla lives in Southern California. She has been married for over thirty years and has three adult daughters.
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