By Rebecca Hastings

Am I giving my husband space to connect with our kids? 

I didn’t want to think about the question. As the one who is home more, I take care of most of the kid things throughout the day. It made sense for me to take the lead and handle things. Until I realized I was hurting my husband’s relationship with our kids.

Stepping in the Middle

I heard them from the other room. My husband and my son were arguing about screen time and homework, their voices getting louder with each minute. So I did what I always do: I went in and played referee.

The role isn’t new to me. I often put myself here, trying to calm tensions and foster communication, even when the discussion has nothing to do with me. There’s nothing dangerous happening, just typical disagreements that need to be worked out. And for some reason, I think I’m the perfect person to ensure they are.

Something Needed to Change

Stepping into disagreements can be helpful, but doing it all the time can prevent people from growing in their relationship. I realized every time I stepped in to referee, I was preventing my husband and my son from working it out on their own, from the connection that comes when you work through things with another person.

I wanted nothing more than for my husband to have a relationship with our kids that was strong and could handle whatever came up. But by stepping in the middle of every situation, I was preventing my husband from connecting with the kids in his way. Maybe this was the most frustrating part.

Somehow, I developed the idea that my way was the right way to connect. Not that I always did things perfectly, but as the one who spent more time with the kids, I figured the way I handled things, disciplined them and even made decisions was better than the way he would do the same. 

I was so wrong.

Our kids needed both of us, in our unique ways, to connect with them. Yes, as husband and wife it’s important to be on the same page with rules and parenting ideas, but it doesn’t mean we should approach it the same. We are, after all, different people. It’s only natural that we would approach interactions with our kids in different ways.

Learning to Sit Back

It can be hard to sit back and not get involved, especially if you’re used to stepping in. As wives and moms, we want our husbands and kids to have good, healthy relationships. For that to happen, they need to learn how to work through things, even if we would do it differently.

A great way to begin to step back is to be a listener. Simply listen to the interactions your husband and kids have. Then you can offer a compliment. Saying something like, “I’m so glad you talked to the kids about that” or “You were so patient when our son was upset”  can go a long way in building confidence in your husband. More importantly, it reminds you that your husband should have his connections with your kids, and it will look different from yours.

Wife Step: Think about how you respond when there is conflict. Is God calling you to step in or do you need to practice holding back more?

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