Fostering a Healthy Relationship with Your

Mother-in-Law When It’s Hard

You fell in love with your man. You said “I do” to your guy, but with him came his mother. Getting along with his mom makes your marriage better–but sometimes, for many, the mother-in-law relationship is complex and often difficult. 

We’re going to address ways you can foster a stronger relationship with your mother-in-law and then address ways you can build a healthier relationship with your mother-in-law if she is demanding, controlling, possessive, or intrusive. 

Here are some ways you can foster a good relationship with your mother-in-law:

1. Understand your husband is still his mother’s son. Daughters-in-law and mothers-in-law sometimes compete for position and priority which makes the relationship tense. Try to graciously make room for your husband and his mother to have a relationship without feeling jealous.  
2. Accept your mother-in-law for who she is. Don’t compare her to your mom, your friends’ mothers-in-law, or the ideal you hoped for. She is part of the reason your husband is who he is and possibly even why you fell in love with him. We run into trouble when we attempt to change another person. Acceptance of who your mother-in-law is, and recognition that you are unable to change her, is a healthy step for your own heart.
3. Get to know your mother-in-law as a person. Find out about her childhood, her passions, her marriage and her relationship with her mother-in-law. Spend some time alone with her so you build a relationship with her without your husband.
4. Respond to her advice graciously. You can thank her and say something like “I’ll consider that,” or “Thanks for sharing your ideas,” or “I’m open to learning.” You don’t have to tell her that you don’t want to hear it, you think it is dumb, or that you refuse to follow it.
5. Respect her role as a grandmother and allow her to have a relationship with your children. We are naturally more comfortable with our own mothers and their relationship with our kids. We need to make sure that we give our mother-in-laws the same opportunity to be close to our children as we give our own mothers.

Here are some ways to respond to a demanding, controlling, possessive, or intrusive mother-in-law:

1. Stay neutral.The worst thing you can do is to react intensely. The more emotional energy you bring into the relationship with her, the more intense things will get. People can tell when you are upset with them and it naturally makes them feel on guard so make sure you work through your feelings as much as you can so when you are with her, you will be able to act gracious and calm.
2. If your husband is on the same page as you, let him deal with setting boundaries and speaking the truth with his mom. It is better coming from him as there will be less emotional reactivity since it is coming from her son and not an outsider.
3. If you need to be the one to speak difficult truth to your mother-in-law or set boundaries, do it when you are calm, so you are able to not react to her reaction. Stay focused on the issue and the solution rather than telling her everything she is doing wrong.
4. Recognize you can’t control what she thinks about you or feels toward you. It isn’t your responsibility to fix that or change this. If your mother-in-law believes something about you that isn’t true, try not to take it personally. It could be due to her own difficult relationships, personality, or emotional struggles. If you take it personally, it will make the relationship even rockier.
5. Focus on your responsibility. You don’t have to give in to a difficult mother-in-law’s demands or let her harm you, your marriage, or your children; but you do have to honor her as your husband’s mother even if you don’t like her.

Wife Step: Think of one thing you can do to make your relationship with your mother-in-law better. Plan for how and when you will do it.    

Karla Downing, the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com, offers Christian marriage help and Christian relationship help as a speaker, author, counselor, and Bible study teacher. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and then found herself struggling with Christian codependency in her own difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles, which she now teaches to others. She also trains counselors, pastors, women’s ministry leaders, church leaders, small-group leaders, non-profit ministry leaders, and individuals to minister to Christians in difficult relationships. Karla’s passion is to see individuals, marriages, and families set free from the chains of dysfunction, misunderstanding, and emotional pain through a correct understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships.

Karla Downing is the author of the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association 2004 Silver Medallion Award winner, 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages. Her second book, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, applies the same principles to all family members. Her third book, The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image, offers a unique and life-changing approach to looking at self-image. 

She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Karla also holds a Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts in Communicative Disorders from California State University, Fullerton. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Karla was also the director of Friends in Recovery, a Christ-based, Twelve-Step recovery program.

Karla lives in Southern California. She has been married for over thirty years and has three adult daughters.