All Wives

Dear Wife Who Hates Sex – Karen Smith

May 6, 2019

Dear Wife Who Hates Sex

Everyone loves sex, right?  Everyone except you.  And me.


Guilt plagues us on every side.  Guilt convinces us we are bad wives and must not really love our husbands.  


Questions flood our minds. Is there something wrong with me? Why do I not love time in the bedroom with my husband? Why does it make me feel dirty?


Our husbands become cranky, and we know he needs sex.  When this happens, dread creeps into our hearts and causes anxiety. Cue more guilt.


Dear wife, this is a voice of experience. I see you, and I understand, because I’ve been there.  


These feelings described above summarize our first several years of my marriage.  My husband would be on edge, and I would know it was because he needed sex. I dreaded every moment leading up to our ten-minute “let’s get the job done” experience.  


I was continually critiquing what was right or wrong in the bedroom. The experience left me feeling  dirty and gross. I didn’t understand why something that was supposed to be so beautiful and special was the very worst part of my marriage.


If this is you, may I offer you some encouragement?  


I learned that there are many reasons for what medical professionals call low libido. Stress, poor body image, history of abuse, and unresolved conflicts in marriage, are just a few causes of low libido.  Not only did I discover I had been taking medication causing low libido, but I also lived in stress, had a poor body image, and history of abuse. No wonder I struggled in the bedroom!


And wife, there are also physical causes of low libido that may need to be addressed by a medical professional. May I ask that you not be embarrassed to talk to your doctor about your lack of desire for sex?  I wish I would have had a wise lady speak these very words to me. However, I was too embarrassed to talk about the issue; therefore, my marriage suffered for years.


I could have lived the rest of my marriage with a low libido.  However, I finally became brave enough to take small steps to see if the problem could be fixed.


I addressed medical issues and found I needed a hormonal medication change.  I also began taking medication to help alleviate depression and anxiety. As my spouse and I became educated about my struggles, communication became easier between the two of us, and he better understood my desire to not want to despise the bedroom.  


With prayer, God began to bring healing in our marriage that my low libido had caused.  I came to understand there is nothing sinful about what is done in the bedroom – as long as it is between husband and wife and you both feel comfortable.  


I was given a list of creative ideas to try in the bedroom.  I began to do some things that were out of my comfort zone, and at first, it was awkward.  However, as I continued to push into the awkward and uncomfortable, guess what happened? It became less awkward and less uncomfortable.


I was determined to press into what was uncomfortable, because I wanted sex to be sweet.  Medical intervention, prayer for healing, and a continual pushing into the uncomfortable began to bring a new dynamic to my marriage relationship.  


The same can happen for you, sweet friend.  Change is possible. Please do not feel defeated before you even try things differently.  You are brave enough!


Friend, can I share something else with you?  Your marriage is worth you seeking help.


How can you get help?  


First, a trip to your doctor is in order.  A sweet, intimate relationship is worth being embarrassed for a short time.  


Second, Christian counseling might be of benefit.  If there is a history of abuse or poor self-image, seek a Christian counselor for help in working through layers of emotional issues.  


Third, pray for healing and change.  God cares about your physical relationship with your spouse.  God invented sex, and He cares about the health of your physical relationship!


I wish I could hug your neck and ease the awkwardness so that we could share stories and I could tell you face-to-face, I understand. I wish I could hold your hand as we sit in a waiting room together preparing for what feels like an awkward conversation.  I long to look you in the eyes and tell you that there is no shame within the confines of your bedroom. I would love to hold hands and pray together for healing and change. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)  But alas, my words have to communicate my heart for you. I love you friend, and you are not alone!

We’ve provided a resource for you to help your heart in the journey of wifehood, and we’d love for you to join us all as we walk out our calling. You can find Dear Wife: 10 Minute Invitations to Practice Connection with Your Husband, here.


(Also, if you need a creative list of ideas like I did, I highly suggest Simply Romantic Nights by FamilyLife.  This resource was what helped me continue to push into what was awkward and uncomfortable.  It helped me move from yucky to grateful as it related to my marriage!) It spiced up my marriage in a good way!

Karen lives in Madison, Alabama with her husband and three children. Karen has served as Preschool and Children’s Pastor and has been involved in women’s ministry for many years leading small groups, making hospital visits, organizing retreats, and encouraging the hearts of women. Karen now blogs at Glimpses of Faith and Struggles.  What started out as a way to communicate medical facts has become a place where Karen uses life experiences to encourage others in their life journey.  When she’s not busy caring for her family or writing, you might find her cooking or crafting.

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  2. Fiona says:

    Couselling is out of the question. It is just too expensive and there is absolutely no way to generate more money. So, I think solutions are for those with money.

    • Amanda Davison says:

      Hi Fiona, please look into counseling centers that have funds specifically for those who cannot afford. You might have to dig a little, but you will find one!

  3. Andrea says:

    We have no money for counselling, or medical help for things like this. We both have low paid jobs. I don’t know what the problem is apart from sex being a huge burden for me. I think it’s too late for us, we’ve been married for 35 years and sex has always been for him. I don’t even think it is worth trying now. The habit of knowing sex will be like nothing is too ingrained. I have a couple of books, and I’ve read some of the blogs, but they haven’t helped. I just don’t ever feel anything, but I pretend I do so my husband doesn’t feel bad. I don’t even know why I’m writing this to be honest. It doesn’t do any good. Sex isn’t good for me, I don’t know what people mean when they say that sex is a good thing. To me it’s just a nothing sort of thing.

  4. Michelle says:

    I can relate this so much. After being sexually violated at 12, “saving myself” for marriage was more about fear of what it would feel like to be violated again than actually saving myself for marriage. I was inexperienced when I got married and I had gone to counseling. The counselor gave me some exercises to help me through my feelings, but I don’t feel they were particularly helpful. Nothing has changed regarding my feelings of resentment towards my husband for having needs. I was always told hold great sex would be in marriage, but it has been anything but that. I always look forward to it being over and relieved that I won’t have to perform again for a bit. It makes me feel like it was an unwise decision to get married. I just thought it would be a lot better than it is.

    • Amanda Davison says:

      Michelle, thank you for sharing, and I am so sorry this has been your experience before and after marriage. Have you read The Great Sex Rescue by Sheila Wray Gregoire? If not, I highly recommend reading it. Praying over you now!

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