Pornography in Marriage – What’s The Big Deal?

If two people are married, what’s the harm in pornography being part of their marriage? Is it anyone else’s business what happens in their private life?  

The world gives a different answer from God’s. Let’s be real – it’s easier to follow and listen to the world’s view on pornography.

As believers, we are called to live by God’s word, so that’s the first place we should look for answers to questions like these.  

Matthew 5:18 says, “But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

I have a great deal of experience with the struggle of pornography. I’ve never been able to view it in any of its forms without lustful thoughts. I’m guessing I’m not alone.

Even watching pornography within our marriage bed still produces lustful thoughts. There’s just no way around it. Our marriages are covenants between ourselves, our spouses, and God. Bringing anyone else into the mix, virtual or otherwise, is a breach of that covenant.  

Hebrews 13:4 says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.”  When I examine this portion of scripture, the word undefiled jumps out at me. Bringing another person into our marriage bed, whether in person or via pornography, qualifies as defiling it. If God’s word calls us not to defile our marriages, then pornography should not be part of our marriages.

Ignored Destruction

For years, I never considered weighing pornography against the scriptures. I’d like to think it was because I was an uninformed believer, or new in my faith, but I’m growing to understand it was more out of rebellion. If I didn’t discuss it or evaluate it, I wouldn’t need to change. Or my husband won’t need to change. Ignoring the issue might keep the peace and avoid conflict.

But ignoring the issue of pornography allows the enemy to flourish in marriage.  

Allowing pornography to be a part of your marriage will bring destruction to your marriage. I know this from personal experience. Pornography greatly harmed the intimacy with my husband by allowing us to seek visual fulfillment from unrealistic sources.

Nothing in pornography reflects real life. It subconsciously creates a level of dissatisfaction with the living, breathing, amazing person the Lord has given us to cherish and desire.

Honesty Brings Greater Intimacy

Because I craved deeper intimacy with my husband, I decided to stop ignoring the problem and choose honesty with myself, with God, and my husband. Discussing the issue with my husband helped us both lean into our marriage and fully trust the Lord and one another with all our needs.

If pornography has been or continues to be part of your marriage bed, I encourage you to seek the Lord. 

Pray and ask God to guide the conversation with your husband about what you’re learning about pornography in marriage, and how you feel about it. Pray about the right time to talk about it with your husband. Ask the Lord to soften your husband’s heart on the issue. Ask for forgiveness if you need, and trust the Lord’s timing in guiding your husband’s heart toward a deeper intimacy that is only between you and your husband.

If you know that pornography is a problem with you or your husband, there’s help available for you today through Covenant Eyes.

Wife Step:  Seek God’s direction and His word if pornography plays a role in your marriage. See if your actions are in alignment with His word and fight for the sanctity of your marriage. I’m praying for it with you!

Alynda Long and her husband, Brian, live near Dallas, Texas with their two youngest daughters. A lay leader in a sexual abuse recovery ministry at her church, she loves sharing God’s story of redemption and healing in her life while helping other women walk through their own journey of recovery.  She writes about the lessons the Lord teaches in her day to day life as a wife, mother, and friend at alyndalong.com. She thrives on Jesus, coffee, books, chocolate, and friendships!