Navigating Different Parenting Styles

Marriage can be hard. It shouldn’t surprise us – after all, marriage is two imperfect people coming together to make a life as one.  Add children to the equation, and there are more issues that need discussion and resolution.

One common area of difficulty is when husband and wife have differing parenting and disciplining styles. Ideally, you and your husband are a team when it comes to disciplining your children. But often, one spouse becomes the “good cop” while the other gets stuck being “bad cop”. This is an area of marriage that can get extremely frustrating and cause some real bitterness, if you let it.

In my marriage, our differences in discipline styles originates from a difference in personalities.  He is very laid back, where I am high strung mingled with perfectionism. So, of course, our discipline styles are naturally very different.

My husband is much more likely to let an offense slide, while I want my words to mean something.  I want my children to believe me when I say something, and not have the idea that they can talk me out of it later.  

This is challenging, especially when your husband doesn’t always follow through on something you believe is important for your children.  

So what do we do?  Do we put on a dramatic performance in frustration?  Do we slam the door and invest in some good old fashioned “silent treatment”?

While these behaviors are tempting, the best solution is to communicate your feelings in a considerate manner.  

How do we do this?  How do we conquer different discipline styles?

Here are three practices I’ve found helpful, that I encourage you to consider:

1.  Refrain from being accusatory in your tone or body language.  Communicate with your husband how the situation is making you feel without putting the blame on your husband.  Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example: saying “I feel frustrated when discipline isn’t honored.  I know you may not realize that, and I know it is not intentional. How can we reach an agreement on this particular situation?” Nonaccusatory language helps create healthier communication, rather than saying “You never back me up.  You always undo what I have done!”

2.  Remain humble. Sometimes we get caught up in thinking our way is the only way or the best way. Humbly consider whether you’re upset because your child didn’t get that consequence, or whether you’re more upset that you didn’t get your way?  There is a growth in the midst of humility. Be willing to recognize where your frustration lies, and take responsibility for any areas where you might want to adjust. When communicating about any tension regarding parenting styles, share these areas with your husband

3.  Be willing to compromise. Perhaps you could talk through how you could spend time with your children in the way you desire, rather than (if you’re like me) feeling like you’re the one to redirect behaviors, schedule intentional ‘fun’ time with your kids where your husband knows you’d like to simply enjoy being with them.  As moms, we want our children to think we are awesome. And when they think Dad is awesome because he is more lenient, we are hurt. So try planning intentional time, so you both get the chance to be “awesome”.

Parenting is hard, and discipline can be tough.  But scripture promises us it is worth it.

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.  (Hebrews 12:11)

Wife Step:  If you are struggling with differing discipline styles, ask God to give you the right words to express your frustrations to your spouse in a way that opens the lines of communication and allows for a compromise.  Speak your heart, but don’t forget to listen, and be humble.

For more help building connection and love in your marriage, purchase Dear Wife: 10 Minute Invitations to Practice Connection with Your Husband.

Betty Predmore is a writer, blogger, speaker, and ministry leader. She is a licensed Christ-based counselor and is Co-founder of the Women of Virtue Empowerment Network, a faith-based non profit organization created for the purpose of inspiring and encouraging women to find help and hope in Jesus Christ. She is also founder of Mom-Sense: Making Sense of Motherhood, where she writes and speaks on motherhood issues. Betty loves to speak at events, sharing practical life application mingled with God’s word, and sprinkled with humor.  She enjoys sharing her blogs on social media as a way of reaching out on a broader spectrum.  Social media has given her a platform to reach much farther than her feet could take her.