By Cindy Singleton

Do you want to trust your husband more? Here’s how to cultivate a trusting heart not only in your husband, but in God.

When You Don’t Have a Trusting Heart

He’d never been unfaithful. He’d never lied to me. And he was a faithful provider. So, why did I have a problem trusting my husband?

In the earliest years of our marriage, my husband constantly wanted to know why I was “holding back” from him. And even though I knew he had grounds for asking, I wasn’t sure how to answer. I knew I’d begun to resist his affections, I seldom shared my deepest thoughts, and I was quick to accuse my husband of judging me.

He tried everything to break down my defenses, but nothing worked. Even when I knew he was saddened by the distance I’d created between us, I felt helpless to do anything about it.

Until one day he asked me a riveting question:

“Why don’t you trust me?”

And that was my first glimpse into my problem. Even though he’d never given me a reason not to, I didn’t trust my husband.

To be honest, sometimes our unwillingness to trust someone has less to do with them and more to do with ourselves.

Taking a Look Inside Your Heart

I knew it was time to take a long, deep look inside myself. And here’s what I found:

Fear

In my past, many people had let me down. I’d been left on my own so many times, I was convinced my husband would be the next culprit.

Insecurity

Ever since childhood, I’d felt like I was on the outside looking in. I’d never felt included in anyone’s inner circle, and I still suffered from feelings of “you’re not good enough.” Without realizing it, I’d begun to feel ineligible for the unconditional love my husband wanted to give me.

Pride 

For years, my independence and stiff upper lip had been my best assets. I stormed my way through college, jobs and relationships with a “winner takes all” attitude and disguised my weaknesses. I’d successfully built a protective guard around my heart, and it was still standing strong.

I wasn’t sure how to help myself. But I knew something needed to change.

How to Cultivate a Trusting Heart

One day, desperate to move forward in my marriage, I prayed these words from the Scriptures:

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way.” (Psalm 139:23-24, HCSB)

Day after day, I asked God to show me what was hiding in my heart that I hadn’t recognized. Over time, he did just as I asked him to do. With God’s help, I began to uncover lies that had me convinced my husband couldn’t be trusted.

Here’s what I discovered:

Past hurts shouldn’t be transferred to our spouses. 

This simply isn’t fair. The hurt I’d suffered in my past belonged to my offenders, not to the man who’d pledged lifelong faithfulness to me

Feelings of insecurity can rob us of the opportunity to be fully loved. 

In spite of my feelings of inferiority, my husband had chosen me. To resist his love was dangerous and unfair.

Guarded hearts don’t belong in a marriage. 

My husband deserved my vulnerability, even if it required a lot of courage. Anything less than transparency was unfair and unkind.

Trusting God and My Husband More

I didn’t work through my trust issues overnight. But once I opened up to my husband and shared them honestly with him, we began to work through them together.

To be honest, the same trust issues that kept me from being close to my husband had kept me from enjoying a deeper intimacy with God. After all, the Bible instructs us to “trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding” (Proverbs 3:5, HCSB).

As I continued to reject the lies I’d believed and instead began to cling to the truth, I grew closer to my husband and, in time, experienced closer fellowship with the Lord.

Relationships don’t flourish without trust. But the problem is, sometimes the trust issues we face are in our own hearts.

Are past hurts, feelings of insecurity, or self-protective tendencies keeping you from being vulnerable? Take your feelings to the Lord for healing, and consider speaking with a Christian counselor. With time and work, both your marriage and your relationship with the Lord will flourish.

Wife Step: What lies might you need to uncover so you can grow in intimacy with your husband and/or the Lord?

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