Dear Wife Who’s Trying So Hard
Long before I was married, I struggled, striving to prove my worth. My family seemed to value my performance more than valuing me for who I was. Their critical remarks struck at my core, because I already didn’t feel valued.
Since I hadn’t yet resolved this complicated emotional issue, I brought it into my marriage.
To keep the peace, I tried to perform as much as I could. When the kitchen was clean, the clothes were put away, and supper was ready at just the right time, it seemed like I received fewer critical comments. I secretly believed the lie that I was worth more as a wife when I was performing well.
But no matter how hard I tried, I could not create lasting peace through my performance.
If your husband tends to be critical of you, he will find a flaw in the most perfect creation you produce. This can either cause you to try harder and exhaust yourself, or give up in discouragement. I’ve been on both sides of that spectrum as a doer.
Exhausted, defeated, and feeling discouraged.
So what are we to do?
Please take a moment to read Proverbs 31:10-31. I know several women who have looked at this passage of scripture with a suspicious eye. “How can any one woman be expected to do all that?” my friends say. They see the list of attributes and feel frustrated or exhausted.
But as wives who believe their worth is based on performance, the picture of the Proverbs 31 wife does not look daunting. It looks like an accurate picture of how hard we strive to prove our worth through performance.
Let me be clear. The picture of the Proverbs 31 wife is inspired by God, and it is a beautiful goal for us to study. But this model is not prescriptive for all behaviors, all the time.
God knows we are imperfect wives who cannot live up to perfect standards. Only Jesus was perfect, and he was criticized for his actions too.
This Proverbs 31 passage has brought a new perspective to me recently. The very first verse of this passage affirms our worth as wives. It reads, “Who can find a virtuous and capable wife? She is more precious than rubies.” (Proverbs 31:10 NLT) Notice how God declares her worth before he lists out all the actions of the ideal wife. She doesn’t need to perform a single task of the following verses to be affirmed as more precious than beautiful red jewels.
Wife, we need to work hard, be diligent, and produce lovely things in our homes as described in Proverbs 31. But we cannot afford to tie our worth to our actions, or we will become exhausted and discouraged. Our worth comes through God’s view of us as his precious daughters. His mercy and grace give us our identities.
Through counseling and group therapy, I learned to not tie my worth to my performance, whether good, or seemingly not enough.In a healthy way, I now strive to be virtuous and capable because it pleases God and blesses my husband. But I’m no longer trying to prove my worth through performance. God has granted me the peace that passes understanding, which is so much better than the peace I was trying to create through performance.
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Wife Step: Meditate on Proverbs 31:10 today. Imagine Jesus placing a gorgeous necklace laden with rubies around your neck. As he closes the clasp behind you, he says, “You are more precious than rubies.” How does his declaration make you feel? How do his words free you from your striving?
Sarah Geringer writes about Finding Peace in God’s Word at sarahgeringer.com and is the author of three self-published books. Her book on Christian meditation will be published by Leafwood in late 2019. When she’s not reading or writing, Sarah enjoys painting, baking, gardening and playing the flute. She lives in her beloved home state of Missouri with her husband and three children, right in the heart of prime viewing for the Great Eclipses of 2017 and 2024.
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