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What Reactivity Has to do With Arguments in Marriage – Karla Downing

May 11, 2020

What Reactivity Has to do With Arguments in Marriage


Twenty-six years ago, my husband and I sat outside the operating room at Jules Stein Eye Institute (one of two leading eye institutes in the country) in Los Angeles, California. Our sixteen-month old daughter was having her lens removed because she was born with congenital cataracts.   

There we sat, mad at each other. Not a little, a lot. Not just this time but also a month later when her second lens was removed. 

I needed to talk; my husband didn’t need to talk. I thought he was horrible because he wouldn’t talk, and he thought I was horrible because I was pushing him to talk.

What we didn’t recognize at the time was what was going on inside of us, and how this was impacting our reactions toward each other.

We were both scared and worried. We didn’t know what the outcome would be for our daughter’s vision, but I knew that her aftercare would put me out of work for days at a time. 

My husband had a severely disabled sister, and his family didn’t talk about her problems. My family talked about everything. 

So there we sat, me needing to talk and process my feelings, and my husband  wanting to fix it. “We’ll deal with it,” he said. “You’ll manage.” Manage? That’s all he had to say to me? Not enough.

So I pressed in, and he withdrew. Argument during surgery ensued. 

Understanding Our Reactivity 

We are different as men and women. We have different needs, personalities and histories. All of these influence how we handle stress, fear and anxiety, which influence how we react and respond through communication.

Reactivity takes one of two major forms to manage the stress, fear and anxiety. Generally, we either under-react or overreact. People do some of either of these as a typical reaction style:

  1. Under-react – distance, shut-down, become dependent or incompetent, or avoid feelings by engaging in activity, pursue addictions, withdraw.
  2. Overreact – say too much, try to control, hover, talk, fix, tell others what to do, take the lead, become emotionally intense, fight, blame, push to resolve and solve, seek closeness and reassurance. 

What Reactivity Has to do With Arguments in Marriage

As you’ve probably figured out, my husband underrated and I overreacted. Until we were able to make allowances for each other with grace, we were at a stalemate and unable to support each other. Once we did, we were able to work together to meet both our needs.

We handle things very differently today. We’ve learned to understand ourselves and each other. I give him time to process things quietly. He talks to me because he knows I need it. If he can’t talk when I need it, I call a girlfriend who is always willing to listen to all my details no matter how long.

 

Wife Step: Do you and your husband overreact or under-react? How does this interfere with your being able to support each other during stressful times? What can you do differently to change your interaction pattern?

Karla Downing New

Karla Downing, the founder of ChangeMyRelationship.com, offers Christian marriage help and Christian relationship help as a speaker, author, counselor, and Bible study teacher. Karla grew up in a dysfunctional family and then found herself struggling with Christian codependency in her own difficult marriage. Through her personal struggles, she discovered biblical and practical principles, which she now teaches to others. She also trains counselors, pastors, women’s ministry leaders, church leaders, small-group leaders, non-profit ministry leaders, and individuals to minister to Christians in difficult relationships. Karla’s passion is to see individuals, marriages, and families set free from the chains of dysfunction, misunderstanding, and emotional pain through a correct understanding of what the Bible teaches about relationships.

Karla Downing is the author of the Evangelical Christian Publishers Association 2004 Silver Medallion Award winner, 10 Lifesaving Principles for Women in Difficult Marriages. Her second book, When Love Hurts: 10 Principles to Transform Difficult Relationships, applies the same principles to all family members. Her third book, The Truth in the Mirror: A Guide to Healthy Self-Image, offers a unique and life-changing approach to looking at self-image. 

She holds a Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy from Hope International University. Karla also holds a Bachelor of Arts and Master of Arts in Communicative Disorders from California State University, Fullerton. She is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a licensed Speech Language Pathologist. Karla was also the director of Friends in Recovery, a Christ-based, Twelve-Step recovery program.

Karla lives in Southern California. She has been married for over thirty years and has three adult daughters.

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I’m not who I was when I got married.

 

It was less than three years ago when I stood at an altar in front of a cross and said, “I do,” to vows we wrote and vows we borrowed. And in less than three years, I have become a different person.

 

My heart has changed. I’ve grown closer to God. And I’ve learned to love myself more. I have very different interests and concerns than the girl who stood in a white dress at 24.

 

My husband isn’t the same person either. His passions have grown. His friendships have changed. The goals he has for himself and his family are vastly different than they were three years ago.

 

Maybe you’ve changed a lot since your wedding day, and maybe your husband has too. Maybe there have been some beautiful changes and maybe some that aren’t so lovely. And while sometimes the changes are positive ones, other changes can be difficult. 

 

Some changes threaten to steal away the promises we made on our wedding day.

 

When we base the commitment to our husbands on how we feel he has changed for the worse or for the best, we are putting our hope in a pretty shaky foundation.

 

But God. Our God never changes.

 

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8 (NIV)

 

When we put our hope in Him, and we plant our roots down into Him (Colossians 2:7) in our marriages, we stand on the firmest foundation there has ever been.

 

You’re not who you were when you got married, but God is the same God today as the day you made a vow to Him and your husband.

 

There are no coincidences and no accidents in God’s Kingdom. He works everything out for our good. Don’t believe me? Read Romans 8:28. He is working your marriage out for good, too.

 

Don’t let differences distract you from the divine gift God has given you in your spouse. 

 

When marriage gets hard and the fights feel never-ending, we look up. When we wonder who in the world we even married, we look up. When we think maybe we should have married someone different because we ourselves are so different now, we look up.

 

We’ll never be the same as we were the day we wore a veil and cut a cake, but we can make a decision to hold on to the same feeling of honor and respect we had for our husbands that day. We can take those promises with us no matter how many times we change in this life. We can continue to look up as the world around us and inside us shifts. Because our God never shifts.

We're Different Now

When we get married, we aren’t only agreeing to love the man in front of us for who he is that day, but for who he will be every day after that. Because we won’t always be who we are that day, and neither will he.

 

Wife Step: Write down three ways you’ve seen God remain constant and faithful throughout your marriage. Pray over those ways and thank Him for never changing, through the good and the bad.

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